Monthly Archives: April 2008

Chiquita announces non-slip banana peel

Innovation expected to bring an end to hilarious but deadly vintage slapstick gag

 

By Pasquale Marlowe, Foreign Correspondent

 

CINCINNATI – Pedestrians everywhere will soon be able to strut with renewed confidence following the announced plans for a new genetically-modified, non-slip banana peel.

 

Plans for the new banana were unveiled at a press conference held at the Chiquita Brands Ltd. head offices in Cincinnati, during which a spokesperson proclaimed that the new fruit will feature a peel that is nigh-impervious to slippage.

 

This diagram depicts the complex scientific process involved in the genetic modification“By cross-germinating the DNA of banana tree seeds with those of the turnip – the most slip-proof vegetable – we have been able to produce a banana peel that is nearly 100% slip resistant,” said Bruno Richardson, Chief Scientician at Chiquita.

 

Among those who serve to benefit most from the innovative new peel are the cast of the Bugs Bunny and Tweety Show and actors in silent comedy films from the 1930s.

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Tummy tuck, lip puck, brain suck

Lobotomies – the latest surgical craze – promise to reduce already-meagre brain capacity of Hollywood actors and models

 

 

A special investigative report by Mondo Fernando

 

LOS ANGELES – Cosmetic surgery, Hollywood’s worst-kept secret, has taken on a bold new dimension. In the cut-throat, competitive world of showbiz, big breasts, pouty lips and wrinkle-free skin are increasingly playing second fiddle to the latest craze: smaller brains.

 

Surgeons performing a lobotomy in a Berverly Hills clinicCelebrity obsession and television makeover shows have begun to feature lobotomies, a type of brain surgery which was outlawed in the 1950s for being completely ineffective and invariably causing devastating, permanent brain damage.

 

According to a report by market research firm CosTech, acceptance of lobotomies is on the rise.

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Meteor shower strikes Manhattan

US declares war on a rock and/or Tom Cruise

 

By Sam Hagan, with files from Yeshua Shlomovitz

 

NEW YORK — The city of New York was shook by a horrific attack yesterday after a rare celestial event caused a violent downpour of cosmic debris. Sunday’s devastating attack reached its most catastrophic moment when a 22,000-pound boulder thundered down onto Manhattan, crushing several buildings in the Flatiron district.

 

Buried by the massive extraterrestrial rock were Madison Square Park and the city’s historical Observatory.

 

The attack is thought by many to be the work of terrorists, possibly extremist aliens with assistance from followers of the cultish Church of Scientology.

 

Speaking at a press conference, President Bush declared, “This is undeniably an attack against the American way of life.” Pointing to television monitors where the smouldering boulder was depicted, he added, “and the enemy is right before us. Clearly, the enemy is a rock.”

 

The U.S. military is on high alert status, with all U.S. military forces assuming armed defensive postures.

 

“If war is forced upon us by a rock, or by rock-throwing Scientologist aliens, we will fight with the full force and might of the United States military – and we will prevail,” said Bush in a speech.

 

“We always knew America had enemies here on Earth, such as gays, environmentalists, and other groups that hate freedom…But we never really saw a rock as a threat.”

 

Tom Cruise suspiciously didn\'t mention his connection to meteors OR aliensResponding to questions about a possible link to the Church of Scientology, Bush added: “That prettyboy Tom Cruise better watch out. This time, Top Gun is on our side.”

 

Church of Scientology officials have been mum on the issue, failing to respond to the Pundit’s requests for comment. Apparently the nutjobs have been busy preparing for the landing of a spacecraft on Earth so aliens can take them away to a paradise in space.

 

No, seriously.

 

Proclaiming his innocence in an exclusive interview with the Pundit, Tom Cruise had the following to say: “Well, hey! … Yesss! …[inaudible murmurs] … Oh ah, woo!”

 

The attack was condemned by world leaders, many of whom expressed their horror at the devastation on the ground, and – perhaps more importantly – their appreciation of the extraordinary irony of an observatory being hit by a meteor.

 

“Our thoughts are with the American people on this tragic day,” stated UK Prime Minister Gordon Brown. “The British people will stand shoulder-to-shoulder with our American Allies until the enemy – whether it be a rock or tabloid sweetheart Tom Cruise – is defeated.”

 

: P

Stauffer’s introduces new line of animal crackers

 

New crackers depicting animals fucking provide valuable educational tool for children

 

By Mondo Fernando, Staff Reporter

 

CHICAGO – For more than a century, the Stauffer’s name has been synonymous with high-quality crackers (which are actually cookies) shaped like zoo or circus animals at a competitive price.

 

New fucking animal crackers appeal to parents, children, and perverts alikeNow, the American snack giant has introduced a new cracker that is not only delicious, but also kind of sexy. In a press conference held Thursday, Stauffer’s unveiled its latest innovation: Fornicating Animal Crackers.

 

The crackers, which offer lifelike depictions of two animals fucking, reflect shifts in the consumer and retailing marketplace, where a slump in the bloated North American cracker market has instigated significant investments in cracker-related research and development.

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Fat, ugly jerks have fat, ugly jerk children: Study

Normal vs. \NEW YORK – An international team of researchers led by Columbia University Medical Center has, for the first time, released new evidence that sheds light on how fat, ugly jerks give birth to fat, ugly jerk children.

 

The scientific findings indicate how one way mutations of normal cells into “jerk” cells cause severe personality disorders by knocking out powerful “pleasant” genes known as KR2P.

 

The new study will be published in the upcoming issue of Nature Genetics journal in July 2008.

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Man arrested for dealing drugs out of “Free Candy” van

“It seemed perfectly legitimate”: Eyewitness

 

By Sam Hagan, Staff Reporter

 

The van was parked beside Central Park for 42 hours before police realized it was a front for drugsWINNIPEG – Local deadbeat Carl Steele was arrested Thursday after he was caught selling marijuana from his van.

 

Steele’s red van, which features the words “Free Candy” painted on the side, had been parked beside Central Park for 42 hours, attracting local children and potheads alike.

 

Police say that despite the trustworthy appearance of the truck as a source for free candy, it was in fact a front for Steele’s illegal drug business.

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When seal pups fight back

Baby seals form armed resistance movement, prepare for major retaliatory strike

By Sam Hagan, Staff Reporter

LABRADOR – Three seal hunters sustained serious injuries in southern Labrador on Wednesday when they were attacked by a group of angry seal pups, RCMP reported yesterday.

 

Oh sure, smile now, attack later.A group of about a dozen baby seals armed with rifles, knives and clubs launched a violent retaliatory offensive against the hunters, in an effort to bring an early end to the hunting season.

 

The seals were able to gain possession of the hunters’ rifles and hakapiks, as well as their knives and ropes, and are believed to be amassing a stockpile of other weapons, possibly for a major strategic attack.

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