By Pasquale Marlowe, Foreign Correspondent
CINCINNATI – Pedestrians everywhere will soon be able to strut with renewed confidence following the announced plans for a new genetically-modified, non-slip banana peel.
Plans for the new banana were unveiled at a press conference held at the Chiquita Brands Ltd. head offices in Cincinnati, during which a spokesperson proclaimed that the new fruit will feature a peel that is nigh-impervious to slippage.
“By cross-germinating the DNA of banana tree seeds with those of the turnip – the most slip-proof vegetable – we have been able to produce a banana peel that is nearly 100% slip resistant,” said Bruno Richardson, Chief Scientician at Chiquita.
Among those who serve to benefit most from the innovative new peel are the cast of the Bugs Bunny and Tweety Show and actors in silent comedy films from the 1930s.
The banana peel is the cause of an estimated 310 pedestrian deaths annually in the U.S. alone, and is the number-four cause of walking-related fatalities, after open maintenance holes, falling anvils, and falling pianos.
The move came in response to public pressure which has been mounting since the tragic deaths of 25 Boy Scouts last week. While marching in unison, the lead Scout slipped on a banana peel, causing a chain-reaction when all his fellow troop members proceeded to slip on the same peel.
For the Scouts, Chiquita’s announcement is too little too late.
“What began as a nature hike ended as a death march,” remarked Nigel Honeycutt, Scout Leader for the now deceased Troop 114.
“One minute they were marching proudly, the next they had collapsed into a bloody heap of arms and legs. There were ill-fitting shorts and silly hats everywhere. I’ve been to Afghanistan and Iraq, and I can say without hyperbole that this was a gazillion times worse.”
Perhaps most troubling in the deaths of Troop 114 is that the killer banana peel is still at large.