US declares war on a rock and/or Tom Cruise
By Sam Hagan, with files from Yeshua Shlomovitz
NEW YORK — The city of New York was shook by a horrific attack yesterday after a rare celestial event caused a violent downpour of cosmic debris. Sunday’s devastating attack reached its most catastrophic moment when a 22,000-pound boulder thundered down onto Manhattan, crushing several buildings in the Flatiron district.
Buried by the massive extraterrestrial rock were Madison Square Park and the city’s historical Observatory.
The attack is thought by many to be the work of terrorists, possibly extremist aliens with assistance from followers of the cultish Church of Scientology.
Speaking at a press conference, President Bush declared, “This is undeniably an attack against the American way of life.” Pointing to television monitors where the smouldering boulder was depicted, he added, “and the enemy is right before us. Clearly, the enemy is a rock.”
The U.S. military is on high alert status, with all U.S. military forces assuming armed defensive postures.
“If war is forced upon us by a rock, or by rock-throwing Scientologist aliens, we will fight with the full force and might of the United States military – and we will prevail,” said Bush in a speech.
“We always knew America had enemies here on Earth, such as gays, environmentalists, and other groups that hate freedom…But we never really saw a rock as a threat.”
Responding to questions about a possible link to the Church of Scientology, Bush added: “That prettyboy Tom Cruise better watch out. This time, Top Gun is on our side.”
Church of Scientology officials have been mum on the issue, failing to respond to the Pundit’s requests for comment. Apparently the nutjobs have been busy preparing for the landing of a spacecraft on Earth so aliens can take them away to a paradise in space.
Proclaiming his innocence in an exclusive interview with the Pundit, Tom Cruise had the following to say: “Well, hey! … Yesss! …[inaudible murmurs] … Oh ah, woo!”
The attack was condemned by world leaders, many of whom expressed their horror at the devastation on the ground, and – perhaps more importantly – their appreciation of the extraordinary irony of an observatory being hit by a meteor.
“Our thoughts are with the American people on this tragic day,” stated UK Prime Minister Gordon Brown. “The British people will stand shoulder-to-shoulder with our American Allies until the enemy – whether it be a rock or tabloid sweetheart Tom Cruise – is defeated.”