Baby seals form armed resistance movement, prepare for major retaliatory strike
By Sam Hagan, Staff Reporter
LABRADOR – Three seal hunters sustained serious injuries in southern Labrador on Wednesday when they were attacked by a group of angry seal pups, RCMP reported yesterday.
A group of about a dozen baby seals armed with rifles, knives and clubs launched a violent retaliatory offensive against the hunters, in an effort to bring an early end to the hunting season.
The seals were able to gain possession of the hunters’ rifles and hakapiks, as well as their knives and ropes, and are believed to be amassing a stockpile of other weapons, possibly for a major strategic attack.
Relations between baby seals and their hunters, which have been fraught with long-standing political tension, are at an all time low. The aim of this operation was clearly to instil fear in hunters and provide an unequivocal warning that the pups have had just about enough of being hunted.
It has sparked concerns that after centuries of oppression, the seal pups are organizing a major resistance movement and are poised for revenge.
Fisheries Minister Loyola Hearn articulated Canada’s unapologetic stance at a press conference earlier today. “Canada has never been on the side of the seals. We’ve never supported the so-called ‘rights’ of these silly animals.”
“Perhaps now everyone will understand why we’ve always encouraged hunters to kill off these beasts swiftly, and using as much force as possible.”
The attack was warmly welcomed by anti-sealing activists such as Sea Shepherd Conservation Society founder Paul Watson.
“Our tactics will have to change course after this,” Watson told the Pundit. “We usually try to present evidence of inhumane treatment of seals, and try to capture images of pups at their cutest, fuzziest, and most defenceless.
“But having seen the kind of organized, armed resistance that they’re capable of, it seems we’ve underestimated these pups. If our photos can scare off the hunters, that would be good too. All we’re looking for is to end the seal hunt.”
Many are concerned that the incident will tarnish the image of seal hunters, who were photographed running away from seal pups like sissy little girls.
Seeking to protect the symbolic image of fearless hunters dominating nature, the Canadian government acted quickly to prevent potentially embarrassing photos from public release.
“We are concerned about our international reputation,” said Phil Jenkins, spokesman with the Department of Fisheries and Oceans. “Canadians don’t seem to understand that censorship is in their best interests.”
Baby seals are well known for their ability to manipulate the press, looking all fuzzy and cute when the cameras are on, but revealing their sinister, violent side behind the scenes. The incident has garnered international attention, exposing baby seals as the vicious, manipulative artists of deception that they are.
The Newfoundland and Labrador government has placed a notice to seal hunters on their website, warning them of the possibility of armed and dangerous baby seals poised for a strategic attack.