Monthly Archives: May 2008
Hilarious video prank covered up by government in effort to be less exiting
By Mondo Fernando, Staff Reporter
OTTAWA – Maxime Bernier was forced to resign as foreign affairs minister after being Punk’d.
Not wanting to seem as dim-witted as the average Punk’d victim – typically a Hollywood celebrity – Bernier pronounced that the reason for his resignation was because he left classified documents at the apartment of his former girlfriend, Julie Couillard.
Embarrassing and stupid as that would have been, the truth is much worse.
Late on Sunday, May 25, Kutcher’s camera crew snuck into Bernier’s house and caught him on tape stumbling home drunk with two Romanian prostitutes. Mistaking the camera crew for burglars, the well-dressed Foreign Minister screamed like a girl and ran down the street, abandoning the hookers on the scene.
Several hours later, the Prime Minister’s Office was notified of the incriminating footage, and a deal was brokered in which Kutcher agreed not to air the video.
At 3:21 on Monday morning, a furious Prime Minister Harper placed a call to Bernier forcing him to announce his resignation.
Despite madly circulating rumors of the prank, Mr. Harper and his government continue to routinely brush off questions about any video footage, accusing the Opposition of making up lies to embarrass the former cabinet minister.
“Mr. Bernier was not Punk’d,” he said, in an effort to tone-down public interest. “This was an unfortunate error involving documents and other serious, unexciting government stuff.”
Opposition MPs ramped up demands to see the footage Tuesday, calling for the PMO to make the video publicly available.
“Canadians have a right to see that footage,” Liberal foreign affairs critic Bob Rae charged Tuesday in the House of Commons, where the Bernier affair dominated Question Period.
“Is it true he ran off like a little sissy girl? Canadians deserve to know!”
Asked if he could confirm rumors that there was footage of Bernier drunk with hookers, Kutcher commented thoughtfully, “I don’t follow Canadian politics much, but that guy’s a huge douchebag. Canada is better off without him.”
Although there has been no public confirmation of the Punk’d scandal, some eyewitnesses reported overhearing Bernier mutter, “That sonofabitch Kutcher will pay for this. Nobody Punks Max and gets away with it.”
“Gays should be more responsible and display their gayness more clearly”: Mayor
By Sam Hagan, Staff Reporter
CHICAGO – A woman’s ego is in critical condition after she threw herself at a bar patron who prefers the company of men.
The spectacular mixup was caused by a circumstantial malfunction in Aimee Lyndon’s gaydar, rendering her unable to make even the most obvious distinction between a lisping, boa-wearing Queen and a beer-drinking, football-playing Republican.
The gaydar failure blinded Lyndon to the fact that the object of her slutty advances was a flaming homo, even though eyewitnesses report that moments before the incident he was dancing to Kylie Minogue in a conga line sandwiched between two shirtless men at a bar called Manhandler in Chicago’s famed Boystown district.
Immediately after the incident, 25-year-old Aimee Lyndon’s shattered ego was rushed to a girlfriend’s house where it was nurtured back to health with some red wine and a Jack Johnson album.
Although Lyndon was clearly a victim of a crucial breakdown in her gay-detecting apparatus, similar cases have been on the rise as men in bars increasingly fail to act in a stereotypically gay fashion.
At the same time, gays nationwide are reporting an alarming rise in incidents of sexual disorientation with more and more men guilty of metrosexuality – a term describing men who wear alligator-skin shoes and shop at Bed, Bath and Beyond and yet, somehow, don’t enjoy anal sex with men.
In a public statement on the issue, Chicago Mayor Richard Daley called upon gays to act more stereotypically to combat confusion and embarrassment.
“Gays should be more responsible and display their gayness more clearly,” he said. “Many of this city’s embarrassing incidents could be avoided with a few wigs, plastic rainbow jewelry, and skintight pink shirts.”
Mayor Daley also called for a tighter crackdown on metrosexuality, threatening to introduce a by-law against well-dressed, coiffed, and shopaholic straight men guilty of deception and “unmanly-manliness.”
By Beth Johnson, International Correspondent
BERLIN – Authorities in Berlin have taken custody of a seven-month-old boy after his parents posted an ad on EBay offering to sell him for one euro (US$1.57).
Police spokesman Peter Hieber says the baby was placed in the care of EBay Care Services, a branch of the corporation that looks after unwanted people and animals.
Hieber said today that the mother told police the Internet ad was only a joke. Legal experts doubt that this excuse will hold up in court since everyone knows that Germans have no sense of humour.
No offers were made for the child in the two hours the ad was posted, as he was clearly still too young to be a productive worker.
In many parts of Asia and the Middle East, EBay is commonly used for buying and selling children for work in fields, factories, and sweatshops at very reasonable prices.
Hopefully, in time, this trend will make its way to the West.
Put your thinking caps on (haha, just kidding)
By Sidney Hedley, Entertainment Editor
NEW YORK – Will Carrie and Mr. Big finally get married? That is the big question “Sex and the City” fans hope is answered when the long-awaited film hits theatres this week.
For the rest of us, the big question is: “Do we really have to sit through more of this?”
Four years after the series ended, Carrie, Samantha, Charlotte and Miranda are back to dazzle fans with more mindless banter, insipid gossip, pretty clothes, and obsessive dating in a full-length feature film.
“Fans can expect the joy and the whimsy and the clothes and the cocktails and the salty language,” said actress Sarah Jessica Parker, who plays Carrie and also produced the movie and TV series.
“We really fought hard to resist any intelligent content beyond the vapid drivel that sustained the show for six seasons,” she said.
Based on Candace Bushnell’s columns in the New York Observer, the TV series won eight Golden Globes and seven Emmys, despite setting the women’s liberation movement back decades.
Speaking about the central role played by fashion in the movie, Parker said that all of her character’s clothes blah blah blah, and something something something about shoes or purses.
Despite the success of the TV series, Parker said it was still a struggle to get the movie made. (A movie about 40-year-old women having sex? Really?)
There was also the problem of signing up all the stars, since some of them had gone through divorces, grown old and haggard, become lesbians, and so on.
And while early reviews of the film have been mixed, critics expect it to still be a hit.
“We are confident that devoted fans will love it,” said writer and director Michael Patrick King in an interview with the Pundit.
“Don’t put this in your article, but most of the plot is recycled ideas from the show. We even used some of the lines word-for-word.”
Americans struggle to reconcile love for burritos with hatred for Mexicans
By Mondo Fernando, Staff Reporter
EL PASO – With immigration expected to be a key issue in the 2008 election, debates over deportation of illegal immigrants from Mexico have intensified in recent months.
“It’s a big a dilemma,” said Detective John M. DiPietro in an interview. “We hate dirty Mexicans, but we can’t get enough of their delicious burritos.
On Tuesday, two men and two women were arrested at Pepito’s Mexican Restaurant in Miami for working without permits.
“This is an outrage!” shouted protestors outside the jail where they were being held. “Pepito’s makes America’s Best Burritos! We will starve without them!”
Similar protests have flared up in cities across southern states surrounding this issue.
“We are really struggling to reconcile the supply of burritos that Americans depend on with effective border security,” DiPietro said.
The issue is particularly sensitive in Texas, where it is common practice to eat the bean- or beef-filled wraps not just at every meal, but several times a day in between meals as well.
With white Americans completely incapable of making a decent burrito, this issue is expected to remain at the heart of future immigration debates.
Settles for blow job from hot editor
By Sam Hagan, Staff Reporter
LOS ANGELES – Hollywood heartthrob Orlando Bloom threatened to sue the Pundit for libel on Monday over a story that speculated that the famed actor had had a lobotomy.
The threat came amidst a broader trend of celebrities fighting back with lawsuits against tabloids and gossip rags.
Bloom’s lawyer drafted the threatening letter which was couriered to the Pundit’s Los Angeles office. The letter accused the online newspaper of damaging Bloom’s reputation by wrongfully suggesting that he was an unintelligent zombie.
The article, which was published last month, speculated that Bloom had “undergone a deep frontal cut after demonstrating zombie-like behaviour.”
“The Pundit has been my primary source for news reporting for a long time now,” Bloom stated in a press conference. “But a newspaper loses its integrity when it doesn’t get the facts right.”
After a private meeting between Pundit attorneys and Bloom’s lawyer, an out-of-court settlement was reached in which Bloom would accept a blow job from one of the newspaper’s attractive editors.
While the controversial article also speculated that actress Mary Kate Olsen had undergone a lobotomy, her lawyers declined to take legal action since Olsen actually did have such an operation late last year.
See the original article here: https://punditonline.wordpress.com/2008/04/29/tummy-tuck-lip-puck-brain-suck/#more-140