IN BRIEF

Redundant Department of Redundancy re-reinstates permanent staff employees

 

Canada’s Redundant Department of Redundancy (RDR) re-reinstated 600 staff employees who already held permanent jobs and positions in the Department. The annual, two-hour ceremony, which takes place each year, lasted 120 minutes and was held at 9:00 a.m. in the morning. RDR Minister John John Wright, the Minster of the Department, provided the re-reinstated staff with re-reinstatement certificates, which were given to the employees to certify their re-reinstatement. (SH)

 

Diplomatic solution reached with help of turkey sandwich

 

New Zealand Foreign Minister Stephen Smith made diplomatic history Tuesday when a major bilateral dispute was settled with a turkey sandwich. For months, the New Zealand government had accused Japanese whalers of violating international law in the Southern Ocean. Finally, during a two-day visit to Tokyo, Smith offered his counterpart Masahiko Komura a delicious turkey sandwich which featured tomatoes, cucumber, and Dijon mustard on multigrain bread. “We were very keen to exhaust diplomatic measures before considering legal action,” Smith said. “The sandwich was a last resort, and thankfully, it was successful.” (MF)

 

Performance evaluations reveal widespread employee incompetence, stupidity

 

A downtown Calgary firm announced the release of results of a recent office-wide employee evaluation, which were described as “an embarrassment to humanity.” Only 34 percent of employees in the organisation passed the simple competency test, which measures basic literacy and hand-eye coordination. 22 percent of employees purportedly “reached rock bottom and started to dig,” six senior managers were labeled “total douchebags,” and virtually all employees were found to have “false delusions of adequacy.” Asked what measures the firm would take in light of the survey findings, the Executive Vice-President paused thoughtfully before making the following statement: “I know you are but what am I?” (SH)

 

List not proof of life

 

Israeli negotiators attempting to secure the release of a citizen who was kidnapped by Hamas gunmen rejected a handwritten list provided by his captors as proof that the soldier is still alive. The list was in fact a hand-scrawled grocery list, and included requests for bagels, latkes and olives, and was written in Hebrew. (SM)

 

Student to soundproof dorm room

 

After winning the “Loudest Sexlife” award at a ceremony hosted by her college dorm, 19-year-old Alyssa McTavish announced yesterday her plans to soundproof her dorm room. The move signals McTavish’s acquiescence to pressure from appalled dorm residents since the so-called “award” was actually a petition with 89 signatures calling on McTavish to exercise some basic courtesy and shut the fuck up. (SM)

 

Indian not from India, Reserve

 

Sheppard Gade, a 26-year-old software professional from Toronto, shocked co-workers and friends yesterday by revealing that he is neither from India, nor from an Indian Reserve. The ambiguous looking Gade’s father is a second generation Indian, his mother is of Lebanese decent, and he himself is a Canadian. He explained that future references to curry, peace-pipes and turpentine would be ignored, and requested that his manager stop suggesting that Gade develop a cricket-lacrosse hybrid. (SM)

 

Beloved Canadian novel becomes U.S. bestseller after being re-named, shortened

 

Prized Canadian author Rohinton Mistry’s public acclaim reached new heights yesterday when his beloved novel “Such a Long Boring Journey” reached #1 on the New York Times Bestseller List. Despite winning the Governor General’s Award and many other prestigious prizes in Canada, it was not until the book was shortened by 200 pages and re-named “Dino-bots in Space: Sex, secrets and scandals” that it truly burst through the American fiction market. Now, with his sights set on Oprah Winfrey’s Book Club, Mistry revealed plans to rename his other bestseller “A Fine Balance” to “Making Time To Talk About Our Feelings: A Modern Woman’s Bible.” (MF)

 

Catholic School Board teachers to be armed with Tasers

 

The Waterloo Catholic District School board announced Monday that teachers will be armed with Tasers beginning in September 2008. The Board chose the Taser X-26 model, which uses 1,200 volts of electricity to stimulate nerves in the sensory and motor nervous systems to incapacitate naughty students. The decision comes after Board members ordered a study to determine all its options, including re-introducing older methods of corporal punishment such as the wooden paddle or the leather strap. The weapons will be particularly valuable for use on ADHD students, who will be much easier to supervise once shocked into a state of unconsciousness. (SH)

 

Special Olympics Volleyball game foiled by balloon popping

 

Just three months after winning their first title, the Calgary Cougars, a women’s team competing for the Special Olympics, suffered an embarrassing defeat yesterday at the national championship when the balloon they were using popped suddenly. The white latex balloon that is used in lieu of a normal volleyball was punctured by Marianne Walsh, who is both paraplegic and mentally handicapped. “We played so well in the semifinals, but I blew it,” Walsh said. “This will teach me to cut my nails before each game.” (MF)

 

Man attacked by winged, fire-breathing antelope after eating brownie

 

19-year-old Scott Peele was attacked by a winged, fire-breathing antelope late last night after eating a brownie given to him by a friend at a party. The incident occurred at around 11:00 p.m. when several of his friends shared brownie squares they had just baked. Approximately 30 minutes after ingesting the brownie, the monster-leopard suddenly appeared out of nowhere. In his cowardly panic, Peele hid under a blanket, and when he emerged, the leopard had fled the building leaving behind no detectable evidence. No injuries were reported among party guests. (MF)

 

Man mortally killed in deadly fatality

 

28-year-old Mike Diallo passed away late last night after being mortally killed in a death-related fatality. Details are scant at this point, but available evidence suggests that the cause of death was lethal mortality suffered by Diallo, which was intensified by his inability to survive death. Diallo died in hospital at approximately 11:25 p.m. when doctors were unable to resurrect him from his deceased state. Diallo was the only casualty in the death, which is expected to cause permanent loss of life. (SH)

 

Disaster prevails at office as post-it notes not sticky enough

 

Pandemonium ensured in the downtown offices of Cromwell & Myers Inc. on Monday as the disastrous consequences of a box of particularly un-sticky post-it notes were felt in cubicles throughout the building. The sticky glue in a shipment of post-it notes was not up to the usual standard, and as a result, office productivity ground almost to a halt as numerous minor tasks just did not get done. While no deaths were reported and no serious injuries were sustained, employees scrambled frantically to pick up the little squares of yellow paper that were dropping like flies, fearing that critical tasks such as “call Susan back,” “sign here,” and “lunch with Trevor today” may be neglected. (MF)

 

Fan hits the roof in disastrous mixing of metaphors

 

The fan hit the roof in Mr. Robin’s ninth-grade English class yesterday during a lesson on mixed metaphors. Mr. Robin resembled a sheep in wolves clothing and fourteen-year-old Jenny Stein stuck out like a sore throat when they realized their views were diabolically opposed. Stein’s refusal to call a chip a chip, and Mr. Robin’s inability to just let the spades land where they may, blew up into a raucous debate, rife with double messages and mixed standards. Finally, when Stein told Mr. Robin to take a flying hike, Mr. Robin put his mouth where his money was and sent Stein to detention so she would “straighten right and fly up.” (SH)

 

Insults bounce off little boy, stick to bully

 

Insults being hurled at local fourth-grader Graeme Waller made a remarkable turn-around yesterday after the first quarter of recess, bouncing right off of him and sticking onto well-known bully Mitt Crownwell. Eyewitnesses report that Waller was impervious to a blistering attack from Crownwell, whose ruthless string of insults had virtually no impact on the young boy. “I get this a lot, and I try not to panic,” said Waller. “I was under a lot of pressure, but I just adopted the strategy my Dad taught me and held with it.” With vengeful excitement in their eyes, audiences looked on as Crownwell eventually collapsed under the weight of his own name-calling. (SH)

 

Widow sues after HIV-infected needle used to put husband to death

 

A woman is suing the State of Texas for infecting her dead husband with HIV. Chester Spittfield was injected with potassium chloride on Wednesday with a needle that tested positive for the virus that causes AIDS. A burgeoning prison population has resulted in restructuring and budget cuts to the Texan criminal justice system. Under the so-called Initiative to De-capitalize Punishment, the government is streamlining its overhead through needle recycling programs, which it asserts are an environmentally conscious way to save public funds. (DD)

 

Fat activists want “skinny dipping” removed from dictionary

 

A spokesperson for the Partnership of Individuals with Glandular Sensitivities (PIGS) claims that the term “skinny dipping” is discriminatory. According to the group, “It’s an idea that has been perpetuated through media images that contrast smaller persons, being desirable and happy, against larger persons, struggling to become like them.” PIGS wants the world to know that despite being sweaty and gross, larger people can have satisfying lives. (DD)

 

Baby oil made from real babies

 

Sunflower oil is made of sunflowers, olive oil is made of olives, and baby oil is made of babies? The US Food and Drug Administration is currently investigating an allegation that Johnson and Johnson is using real babies to make baby oil products. Experts have speculated that the source is babies from developing countries with high birth rates. While Johnson and Johnson has declined comment on the matter, the company is being defended by many in the fashion industry. As one fashion insider explained, “Beauty comes at a price, and with problems such as too-many-peopleation and stuff, maybe what they’re doing is a good thing.” (DD)

 

Couch by the tracks a “cool” destination

 

A weather-beaten and blood-stained vinyl couch lying by the Lakeshore West CN tracks has found a new life as a “pretty cool” smoker’s lounge and after-hours club.  The faded blue Ikea “Gnügg” couch, which retails for under $300, was a popular trainspotting location for local hobbyists, but the gentrification of a nearby industrial district has resulted in the redevelopment of the couch and surrounding creek-bed.  Eager partygoers, mostly mall-dressed underage smokers, have been seen milling around the couch from mid-afternoon until evening, after which the couch is patronized by an older audience of hip and discerning Listerine drinkers. (SM)

 

Hostile womb settles for $100,000

 

A Calgary woman has settled with her hostile womb in what is being seen as a seminal case in Canadian jurisprudence.  The woman, Lydia Chalmers, was originally named as the plaintiff in a civil case brought forward against her womb 18 months ago.  Court documents reveal that Ms Chalmers, frustrated by failed attempts to conceive, named the womb as an uncooperative and vexatious participant that acted in bad faith throughout the conception process.  Speaking to media, the womb’s lawyer said that the $100,000 settlement did not include her client admitting to any wrongdoing, noting that a lawsuit brought forth by Ms Chalmers’ husband against his sperm is still ongoing. (SM)

 

Practical joke made even funnier

 

According to local sources, a practical joke attempt at a Lachine, QC dépanneur was interrupted by an event that led to the joke’s increased hilarity.  Yesterday afternoon, Vite-Passe employee Christophe Maissoneuve was waiting for fellow employee Martin Chaloux to open and drink his daily 500mL carton of chocolate milk when a customer purchased the milk instead for her young son.  The milk carton, which had been previously opened and had a clump of Maissoneuve’s phlegm deposited at the bottom, was part of an ongoing, jovial feud enjoyed by the two employees. (SM)

 

Kurt Vonnegut releases new book despite being dead

 

As if prized American satirist wasn’t accomplished enough, Kurt Vonnegut wowed audiences yet again by releasing a new book from beyond the grave. “Armageddon in Retrospect” is a collection of 13 short pieces which weave together themes of death, war and destruction, and are fittingly despondent, though punctuated by his usual accents of deadpan humour. That Vonnegut’s death last year at age 84 does not seem to have interfered with his productivity undoubtedly comes as inspiration to millions around the world that never got around to writing that great novel. (SH)

 

Local rhymer thought he ought to have bought a lot of pot

 

Local stoner and rhyme aficionado Phil Miller thought he ought to have bought a lot of pot, but thought if he bought more pot he may have been caught and shot, and all for naught. (SH)

 

Man caught speeding “had to pee like a racehorse”

 

41-year-old Jakob Yannov was charged yesterday with criminal negligence after drinking four cans of Pepsi and “neglecting” to relieve himself. Yannov was clocked at just over 80 km per hour when he lost control of the vehicle and collided with a tractor-trailer. Two passengers were seriously injured and sent to hospital. Yannov’s attorney maintains that Yannov really, really, really had to pee, which constitutes reasonable grounds for dismissal. (MF)

 

DKNJ announces all-denim skiwear

 

Donna Karen New Jersey, subsidiary of the popular clothing brand DKNY, has introduced a new line of ski apparel made entirely from denim. Now factory workers, single parents and mobsters can feel right at home on the slopes, and make a seamless shift from ski to après skis. “DKNJ is so versatile and stylish,” says Tony Ravioli, a cappo for the Genovese family and New Jersey fashionista. “Before, if the boss phoned me while I was skiing, my choice was to change and risk missing the hit, or go in to town looking like a fucking jaggoff prick. Now, badda-bing, baddo-boom, foggetabatit – Capish?” (DD)

 

Music teacher replaced by metronome after budget cuts

 

In yet another case of job loss due to mechanization, music teacher Mrs. Stevens was laid off from Oaktree Public School yesterday after it was determined that a wind-up metronome would aptly substitute her conducting role. The move comes as part of deep cuts to school districts across the province which have resulted in some 1700 lost teaching jobs. School Board officials assured concerned parents that students of her grades five and six band classes will, in time, form a close personal bond with the small plastic ticking device, while also learning discipline from its flawless time-keeping authority. (SH)

 

Man loses own head in bet

 

Local resident Bernard Gwyn passed away this morning after a brutal, gambling-related decapitation. In what will no doubt serve as a distressing reminder of the addictive nature of gambling, Gwyn bet his own head on what he thought would be a winning hand of three-of-a-kind and two kings in one of his regular Sunday night poker games. The survivors, who were responsible for carrying out the beheading, are expected to be found not guilty of manslaughter, since it was Gwyn’s own stupid fault. (MF)

 

New funeral home opens in Death District

 

Morton & Sons Funeral Home officially opened at a new location at the corner of East Main Street and Willowside, in the heart of Death District. The elegant building is situated conveniently across from Mount Oak Cemetery for quick and easy access of corpses to their final destination. It is also directly across the street from Gabriel Tombstones and Granite Co. Ltd., and half a block away from St. Joseph’s Hospice. (SH)

 

United Nations announces 2010 “Year to End Procrastination”

 

More than 1.7 billion people lack the ability to make, and live up to, simple commitments. That’s why UN Secretary General Ban Ki-Moon announced yesterday that 2010 will be proclaimed International Year to End Procrastination. Originally slated for 1994, and then for 1997, and then for 2004, and now for 2010, the Year’s purpose will be to raise awareness about this common character flaw that so many of us share. (SH)

 

Man drops kids off at pool, logs on fire

 

Edmonton resident Tony O’Shea achieved a major accomplishment yesterday after dropping the kids off at the pool, and then without stopping for a break, dropping a log on the fire. O’Shea managed to achieve the double-whammy in just under three minutes. “I was really on a roll,” he said, grinning with self-satisfaction. “I didn’t know I had it in me to do both, one right after another.” Asked for their reactions, his friends commented: “He excused himself, and was back so soon,” they observed. “We thought for sure he would only have time to water the plants.” (MF)

 

“Boo-urns” added to Webster’s English Dictionary

 

Webster’s announced last week its plan to include the word “boo-urns” into its next edition. The word, originating from the popular television series The Simpsons, has assumed a widespread and lasting popularity in the English language, according to lexico-graphers. “Boo-urns’s wordness is un-argumentable,” said a Webster’s spokes-person.  (SH)

 

One response to “IN BRIEF

  1. blondo bernardino

    re: couch b y the tracks

    is it possible to link to a google map? desperately tried to find it but alas, in vain.
    is it a select secret location that keeps on moving?
    how can i be in the know? is the couch surfing or does it transform into a magic couch ride? can we ban the mall rats? if so, then listerine rounds will be on me.

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