Tummy tuck, lip puck, brain suck

Lobotomies – the latest surgical craze – promise to reduce already-meagre brain capacity of Hollywood actors and models



A special investigative report by Mondo Fernando


LOS ANGELES – Cosmetic surgery, Hollywood’s worst-kept secret, has taken on a bold new dimension. In the cut-throat, competitive world of showbiz, big breasts, pouty lips and wrinkle-free skin are increasingly playing second fiddle to the latest craze: smaller brains.


Surgeons performing a lobotomy in a Berverly Hills clinicCelebrity obsession and television makeover shows have begun to feature lobotomies, a type of brain surgery which was outlawed in the 1950s for being completely ineffective and invariably causing devastating, permanent brain damage.


According to a report by market research firm CosTech, acceptance of lobotomies is on the rise.


“A growing disinterest in thinking, and the stress of daily decision-making amongst actors, models, and other celebrities has helped to push this trend,” explains CosTech analyst Jenny Mosser.


Dazzling audiences with their breathtaking ignorance and total incoherence, celebrities able to afford the comeback-kid of surgical operations have captured the hearts and minds of Hollywood with their mind-numbing transformations.


The procedure involves a grossly imprecise incision into the prefrontal cortex, and the removal of a segment of it. Despite going down in history as one of the stupidest medical practices ever mistaken for legitimate science, lobotomies are enjoying measurable growth in popularity in the United States, to the shock and embarrassment of the international scientific community.


Last month Dasha Vlasova, a 22-year-old model from Beverly Hills, was found lying at the bottom of the stairs outside a lobotomy clinic. After being escorted out of the building by a nurse, it became apparent that she had forgotten how to walk.


One surgeon said between 99 and 100 percent of patients experienced similar side-effects.


The results of a recent survey of Hollywood celebrities suggest that trends have changed significantly since the early-twentieth century when lobotomies were accepted practice.


“People are becoming more aware of the benefits of a lobotomy,” said Jeff Cohen, president of the American Academy of Lobotometric Science, which sponsored the survey. In an exclusive interview with the Pundit, he noted that an individual’s inability to think or move may make them feel better about themselves.


Few of the celebrities surveyed cited fear of pain as a deterrent to undergoing a lobotomy. More than a quarter (27 percent) cited fear of having large, Frankenstein-like stitches across their foreheads. Amazingly, only a fifth (21 percent) were discouraged by the fact that they would no longer be able to retain the simplest information, such as their own name, or be able to make important distinctions, like up from down.


Mary Kate Olsen and Orlando Bloom are among the celebrities suspected of having had lobotomiesMany celebrities remain secretive about their decision, leaving the media to speculate as to who had what done. The infant-like mental capacity of Mary Kate Olsen at a recent awards show led Entertainment Weekly to suggest that she had recently had a lobotomy, while Star! also speculated that actor Orlando Bloom had undergone a “deep frontal cut” after demonstrating zombie-like behaviour.


The almost one in five celebrities who indicated that they hope to someday have a lobotomy mostly included women with eating disorders and actors from the television drama the O.C., survey findings indicate.


A proposed law reversing the ban on lobotomies is expected to go before California legislators in the next few weeks.


One response to “Tummy tuck, lip puck, brain suck

  1. Pingback: Orlando Bloom threatens Pundit with $3M libel lawsuit « THE PUNDIT

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