Smart chicks found to have insatiable appetites to get their freak on
By Sam Hagan, Staff Reporter
Few think “orgasmic” when they look at a geeky graduate student wearing thick glasses and a baggy, tucked-in t-shirt. Yet a new study reports that university and graduate students often top the list of the lustfully libidinous, with many thesis-writing, library-going women expressing a rock-and-roll sexual appetite.
Women with basic reading skills are almost twice as likely to have an orgasm during sex as their illiterate counterparts, and a woman who can count to ten is much more likely to have that many orgasms, or so they would have us believe.
High school drop-outs were found to have sexual relations relatively frequently, but their enjoyment levels were comparatively low since a statistical majority of them were too stoned to enjoy sex, and living in their parents’ basements with their struggling musician boyfriends.
Among the study’s more alarming findings was that freshmen TSU girls are not as easy as their slutty little outfits would have us believe, a truth that runs contrary to all natural intuition and logic.
According to the report, “Women reaching for the highest degrees – in law, the medical sciences, or those pursuing a doctorate – have insatiable appetites to get their freak on, and enjoy smutty, porn-star-like, rotating-bed-with-leopard-pattern-sheets sex all night long.”
(To be sure, anyone who has set foot in a graduate residence or gone to a campus book reading will find this extremely difficult to believe.)
While some women, especially those studying divorce law or, say, diseases of the reproductive system, feel anything but sexy while buried under books at the library, many are glowing from their smug sense of intellectual superiority, and can’t control their lust for sexual indulgence and experimentation.
“Ever since I got my Masters degree, riding in the back of the bus has taken on a whole new level of excitement for me,” said Amy Lisgar (pictured right, centre), a recent graduate of TSU’s Lamar School of Technology.
Another young woman told the “researchers” of T.S. Chi that since the day she successfully defended her thesis, she has had an orgasm every time a heavy truck rolls past her apartment.
While these findings have largely been well-received, some have disparaged the academic integrity of the study, questioning the research methods employed by the misogynist, beer-pong-playing jocks of Theta Sigma Chi.