Alberta prisons to install two-ply toilet paper after court ruling

“We’re talking about a segment of society that needs the soft touch of Cottonelle more than any other”

 

EDMONTON – A provincial court caved under judicial pressure on Thursday, admitting that current prison conditions were not respecting inmates’ constitutional rights to cottony softness.

 

Justice Nicholas MitchellIn one of Alberta’s most high-profile prison reform trials, veteran jurist Nicholas Mitchell said that finding solutions to oppressive prison conditions, including uncomfortable toilet facilities, was his “number two” priority after cracking down on prison murder rates.

 

Justice Mitchell ruled that $3 million in provincial spending be earmarked for installing Cottonelle Ultra two-ply toilet paper into Alberta’s prisons by 2010.

 

“We’re talking about a segment of society that needs the soft touch of Cottonelle more than any other,” he said, referring to the notoriously high rates of man-on-man gang rape in prisons.

 

With thousands of preventable rashes caused by scratchy one-ply tissue, the former practice of using cheap toilet paper was ruled to be a violation of the constitutional ban on cruel and unusual treatment of prisoners.

 

After being inundated by letters from inmates describing their epidermal woes in gruesome detail, Premier Ed Stelmach and the Legislature approved the measure to purchase 790,000 rolls of unrecycled, bleached toilet paper for each correctional facility.

 

The ruling was shrouded in controversy. The most vociferous critiques have been from environmental groups, who have called the ruling irresponsible and misguided.

 

“This is outrageous!” exclaimed Christy Ferguson, Greenpeace forest campaigner. Greenpeace activists have recently been targeting tissue giant Kimberly-Clark in their campaigns, resulting in dozens of arrests.

 

Greenpeace activists suspend a banner outside Kimberly-Clark headquarters in Toronto“Murderers and rapists don’t need toilet paper made from virgin old-growth forests to wipe their asses! This government is out of its fucking mind!”

 

But provincial spokeswoman Janet Stittsman said the critics misunderstood the measure. “Some prisoners can barely walk after showering, with their anuses so sore and their assholes so irritated.”

 

Cottonelle’s promise to provide customers with “the ultimate in comfort with every roll” is expected to result in immediate improvements in the human rights conditions of prisons throughout the province.

 

With the help of Premier Stelmach’s office and provincial legislators, Stittsman said, “We plan to make Alberta a national model for prison bum care.”

 

: P

 

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4 responses to “Alberta prisons to install two-ply toilet paper after court ruling

  1. Master Bates

    Wait, inmates no how to rite letters??

  2. Miles Enmyles

    This is welcomed news, indeed! Perhaps the Ontario Provincial Government can take notice and raise this issue when they’re on their upcoming, ill-timed, trade mission to China next week. This might be used an interesting segue to the topic of human rights. Chinese authorities could be convinced to back down from their hard-assed approach to the treatment of their political prisonners and dissidents by adopting this two-ply policy. A win-win-win situation that can save face, save ass and save the Canadian lumber industry.

  3. Jacques Wrydur

    This is not a new issue for prison populations in North America. The late country singer, Johnny Cash, had championed this very same cause in the mid sixties and seventies after many prison concerts following one too many burritos. “Ring of Fire,” was the resultant thinly veiled protest song.

  4. blondo bernardino

    ring of fire indeed!

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