IOC reopens “Humans Only” debate


Rule clearly prohibits animals and robots, but less clear on mermaids, satyrs, and amputees with artificial limbs


By Stephen Mueller, Staff Reporter

LAUSANNE – The conclusion to a years-old debate involving the International Olympic Committee and its member nations is expected on Friday when IOC President Jacques Rogge will hand down the decision on whether or not so-called “non-humans” can participate in the Olympic Games. 

The IOC Competition Committee arrived at the decision that it is not fair for animals or robots to participate in the games, sources say.

Friday’s decision is expected to tighten up the enforcement of an obscure 1938 “Humans Only” rule, which many states pushed for to prevent competition from Nazi supermen created through eugenics and experimental “techno-organic fusion.”

It also unambiguously prohibits the participation of mermaids, satyrs, and other half-human beasts on the grounds that animal features such as tails and extra legs would allow these athletes an unfair advantage. 

Under the enhanced enforcement, Chinese dolphins will no longer be allowed to participate in the freestyle swimming events, and Japanese nano-bot curlers will be banned from the 2010 Vancouver Winter Games. Kangaroo soccer players will be technically exempt through to 2016, though worldwide, only two remaining Kangaroo athletes remain. 

The main point of controversy, however, is that the rule’s application in cases of humans with robot or animal parts is still unclear.

The decision makes uncertain a recent International Association of Athletics Federation decision that opened the way for Oscar Pistorius to attempt to qualify for the Olympic Games. Pistorius, a South African runner and double amputee who is sometimes referred to as the “Blade Runner” because of his carbon fibre artificial limbs, would technically qualify as a cyborg under the 1938 rule. 

The ongoing uncertainty surrounding the inclusion of cyborgs threatens to preclude Pistorius from participating in the Beijing games begin in August.


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Pistons refuse to concede defeat to Celtics


“We will not stop until all the points are counted”: Coach


By Jerry Cardigan, Senior Sports Reporter

BOSTON – On the eve of the NBA finals, which renews the long-standing rivalry between the Boston Celtics and Los Angeles Lakers, one team is refusing to concede defeat in the Eastern Conference Finals.  

Despite being defeated by the Celtics four games to two in the best of seven series, Detroit Pistons coach Flip Saunders contends that the two teams should still play the seventh game.

“We owe it to the fans who have supported us all season long to forge ahead,” says Saunders.

“To do otherwise would be to disenfranchise those fans and the players who really, really wanted to win a Championship.”

Asked how he could possibly justify playing a meaningless game which, even if won, would not be enough to overtake the Celtics series lead, Saunders told the Pundit, “Look. Boston may have the lead in games, but we still hold the lead in total points.

“If you add up all the points they’ve scored in the six games and all the points we’ve scored, and you take out the first game in Detroit where we didn’t play well because we were pretty sure we were going to win easily because the Celtics hadn’t been a good road team in the playoffs, we have the lead in points.

“We will not stop until all the points are counted (except for that one game we lost badly),” he added.

Celtics coach Doc Rivers dismissed the comments, saying only, “I congratulate the Pistons on a great season. They were a difficult opponent and it took everything we had to beat them. Now we’re just looking forward to the Finals and beating the Lakers.”

In response to protests from Pistons fans, Piston Assistant Coach Dave Cowens justified Detroit’s position saying, “You never know what could happen. The Celtics’ plane could crash and kill all the players. I mean, that would be awful, sure, but we just want to be in position to step in and beat the Lakers should that terrible tragedy occur <laughs uncomfortably>.

“It’s not like we’re praying for that to happen or anything <pause> …I’m just saying.”

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New swimsuit making a splash at Speedo 

Cutting-edge designs help racers break Olympic records

By Sam Hagan, Staff Reporter Speedo’s new SHRK Racer swimsuit is now available for retail


NEW YORK – Speedo, the UK-based aquatic equipment company, unveiled its newest line of swimwear for men and women in here in New York on Tuesday. 

The new generation of endurance racing “speedwear” has unique shark-like features, binding the swimmer’s feet together so as to reduce what the pros call “floppy-leg-flapping.”



Speedo’s new SHRK Racer swimsuit has already helped athletes break a total of 32 world records during its trial run.  




The suit was developed with the help of Richard Taylor, the two-time Academy-Award-winning costume designer best known for his work on the Lord of the Rings Trilogy. It has been dubbed “revolutionary” in the world of professional swimming. 

The suit’s sleek caudal (tail) fin provides a strong unified thrust with both legs, while its horizontal pectoral (side) fins extend horizontally, providing lift, reducing friction, and allowing for fluid counter-gravity motion. The streamlined suit allows racers to swim at never-before-seen velocities, up to an estimated 70 km per hour. 

The SHRK Racer swimsuits are available in stores at $1295.00 each, as well as online at 

The new development has stirred up controversy at the International Olympic Committee regarding whether the suits should be permitted at Olympic events in Beijing this August. Because the suits, while on a trial basis, will only be available in the U.S., critics claim that it will give Team America an unfair advantage. 

However, according to Andy Thomas, vice-president of marketing and sales for Speedo, “If other countries want cool shark-suits like ours, well maybe they should have thought of it first.” 

Using this air-tight logic, Speedo has lobbied the international swimming regulating body FINA hard to ensure that the new suits are sanctioned for international competition. 

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Bonds signs 2yr, $5M deal with AAMB

By Stephan Mueller, Staff Reporter 

Barry Bond, pictured here, departs for the Middle East next monthWEST BANK – Baseball’s all-time homerun king has a new home. After enduring nearly five embarrassing months of Free Agency, Barry Bonds has been signed to a two year, $5 million deal with the Al-Aqsa Martyrs’ Brigade, the military wing of Fatah.  

The embattled sports giant (pictured right), suspected of using performance enhancing drugs during his two-decade run at Hank Aaron’s homerun record, is expected to be used as a designated hitter for the AAMB. 



Asked what he thought about being signed on as a hired gun, Bonds only smiled and said, “I hope I can put my considerable skills to good use here in the Occupied Territories.” 




AAMB has been without an impact player who can alter the outcome of big games since Naif Abu-Sharah was killed by the Israeli Defense Force helicopters in 2004. Team manager Fadi Kafisha was delighted that he was able to sign Bonds, even though it is only a short-term deal. 

“We foresee him playing a major role in our struggle, Insha’Allah [Allah willing],” said Kafisha. “His big swing has knocked many a ball out of the park, and we hope that can translate easily into the force necessary to behead the infidel in a single blow.” 

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