Fat, ugly jerks have fat, ugly jerk children: Study

Normal vs. \NEW YORK – An international team of researchers led by Columbia University Medical Center has, for the first time, released new evidence that sheds light on how fat, ugly jerks give birth to fat, ugly jerk children.


The scientific findings indicate how one way mutations of normal cells into “jerk” cells cause severe personality disorders by knocking out powerful “pleasant” genes known as KR2P.


The new study will be published in the upcoming issue of Nature Genetics journal in July 2008.


The study, which was led by Dr. Duncan Parsons, M.D., Ph.D., professor of genetics at Columbia University, used sample DNA from 300 ugly, fat, and extremely obnoxious children. The DNA was used to study how “jerk cell” growth increased in early foetal stages by increasing the activity of a series of related proteins, including those responsible for making so many children such hideous assholes.

“These findings are exciting because ever since it was first suggested that fat, ugly jerks have fat, ugly jerk children more than 10,000 years ago, scientists have been frustrated by our lack of understanding about exactly such an unfortunate phenomenon works,” commented Dr. Parsons.


“We have been stymied by our limited resources to study jerkdom, because, let’s face it, most people in a position to award grants are themselves, fat, ugly jerks.”


With a diagnosis in place, geneticists are now working on finding remedies that can help prevent grotesque ugliness and jerkdom before these traits develop.

The hideous jerk children of Tom Howard 

“Had I known my children would turn out like this, I would have paid anything to stop it,” said Tom Howard, father of two repulsive children (pictured right).


“Anything,” he repeats, shaking his head.


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