“Gays should be more responsible and display their gayness more clearly”: Mayor
By Sam Hagan, Staff Reporter
CHICAGO – A woman’s ego is in critical condition after she threw herself at a bar patron who prefers the company of men.
The spectacular mixup was caused by a circumstantial malfunction in Aimee Lyndon’s gaydar, rendering her unable to make even the most obvious distinction between a lisping, boa-wearing Queen and a beer-drinking, football-playing Republican.
The gaydar failure blinded Lyndon to the fact that the object of her slutty advances was a flaming homo, even though eyewitnesses report that moments before the incident he was dancing to Kylie Minogue in a conga line sandwiched between two shirtless men at a bar called Manhandler in Chicago’s famed Boystown district.
Immediately after the incident, 25-year-old Aimee Lyndon’s shattered ego was rushed to a girlfriend’s house where it was nurtured back to health with some red wine and a Jack Johnson album.
Although Lyndon was clearly a victim of a crucial breakdown in her gay-detecting apparatus, similar cases have been on the rise as men in bars increasingly fail to act in a stereotypically gay fashion.
At the same time, gays nationwide are reporting an alarming rise in incidents of sexual disorientation with more and more men guilty of metrosexuality – a term describing men who wear alligator-skin shoes and shop at Bed, Bath and Beyond and yet, somehow, don’t enjoy anal sex with men.
In a public statement on the issue, Chicago Mayor Richard Daley called upon gays to act more stereotypically to combat confusion and embarrassment.
“Gays should be more responsible and display their gayness more clearly,” he said. “Many of this city’s embarrassing incidents could be avoided with a few wigs, plastic rainbow jewelry, and skintight pink shirts.”
Mayor Daley also called for a tighter crackdown on metrosexuality, threatening to introduce a by-law against well-dressed, coiffed, and shopaholic straight men guilty of deception and “unmanly-manliness.”