Stauffer’s introduces new line of animal crackers


New crackers depicting animals fucking provide valuable educational tool for children


By Mondo Fernando, Staff Reporter


CHICAGO – For more than a century, the Stauffer’s name has been synonymous with high-quality crackers (which are actually cookies) shaped like zoo or circus animals at a competitive price.


New fucking animal crackers appeal to parents, children, and perverts alikeNow, the American snack giant has introduced a new cracker that is not only delicious, but also kind of sexy. In a press conference held Thursday, Stauffer’s unveiled its latest innovation: Fornicating Animal Crackers.


The crackers, which offer lifelike depictions of two animals fucking, reflect shifts in the consumer and retailing marketplace, where a slump in the bloated North American cracker market has instigated significant investments in cracker-related research and development.


“We chose to depict two animals fucking for many good reasons,” says Marsha Schnoenberg, vice president of marketing at the company. “We’ve always been dedicated to teaching children about nature, which is why our product innovation team includes four zoologists, a cinematographer from the Discovery Channel, and a chimpanzee.


“Now parents can teach their children about the birds and the bees with an anatomically correct and tasty visual aid,” she added.


Since both the male and female cracker may not fit in the mouth of a small child, the two animals break apart easily for snacking convenience. Always attentive to the scientific accuracy of the cracker as a learning tool, Stauffer’s thereby ensured characteristics that are consistent with the often very brief duration of real animal sex.


While the new crackers have been well-received by children, parents, and a handful of perverts, Stauffer’s has come under fire from gay rights activists who argue that the obviously heterosexual animals fail to represent the high rates of gay sex in the animal kingdom.


Depending on the success of the original-flavoured Fornicating Animal Crackers, Stauffer’s is considering similar-shaped snacks in chocolate, cream-filled, and reduced fat varieties. All cookies and crackers are kosher-certified by the Orthodox Union.


: P


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