By Sam Hagan, Staff Reporter
BATON ROUGE – Twenty-four illegal aliens, mainly from the S’vihn-Hoont star system in the Ring Nebulae M-57 galaxy, were arrested Wednesday by U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE). They are being held in a Louisiana jail on charges of telepathy, inter-dimensional travel, and conspiracy to possess falsified human identification documents.
The crackdown comes after the Department of Homeland Security broadened its mandate beyond just Mexicans and people in turbans to include intergalactic space travelers.
“These are illegal entrants who snuck into our solar system and into the Earth’s atmosphere, hoping to find jobs in the U.S.” said John G. Heyburn, regional director of ICE.
But freaks have feelings too.
“All we want is to fit in,” commented Xi-Fuudor, a humanoid with blue skin and two heads.
“Decent jobs are hard to find. Decapod 10 is at war, Skyron is experiencing a recession, and most of Jhb’Btt-02 is suffering from drought.”
The crackdown has drawn public attention to a new form of racism that no one wants to talk about – that which discriminates against those outside the human race. As a result, many who have achieved Landed Alien Status and have been living in the U.S. for many years are experiencing a harsh backlash with intensified social segregation occurring in some communities.
“I’ve been working here legally as a bus driver for three years,” said Zanuu-Bitzog, a cyborg from Contraxia 772-P. “But ever since this crackdown, people have been calling me names, pulling out my feathers, and trying to steal my telekinetic-phaso-blaster.”
Some members of the community have tried to reach out to the web-footed, mind-reading weirdos, heading their pleas for equality and justice.
“Just because they have different colour skin, or hooves, or can shoot lasers from their eyes, doesn’t mean we can’t all get along,” commented John River, a public school teacher. Still, others are saying the ICE isn’t doing enough.
“Twenty four arrests is simply not enough,” said one concerned parent whose youngest son was eaten by a Dakknron last fall. “What about the other thousands of aliens that are living illegally in our communities, stealing our jobs, reading our minds, and turning people inside-out with their gravity beams?”
The ICE strategy will continue to target – in addition to Mexicans and Arabs – semi-reptilian humanoids, hippopotamoids, and amphibious robots, as well as their extra-outer-cosmic support networks, in an effort to ensure economic growth and job security.