By Sam Hagan
BRUSSELS – Peter Pan, the plucky young commander of Never-land’s Lost Boys (pictured right), announced at a press conference yesterday to commit 100 boys to the International Security Assistance Force (ISAF) in Afghanistan. The highly trained and combat-capable Lost Boys will join troops from 37 nations participating in the operation.
Comprised of abandoned children who refuse to grow up, the Boys bring to the mission their experience in armed combat against pirates, fantastical animals, and Red Skin Indians.
At an average age of only eleven, this child army has earned a reputation as a highly capable military force owing to their unique ability to fly. Such an asset is crucial at a time when many of the mission’s helicopters and transport planes are badly in need of repair or inoperable.
The Lost Boys are perhaps best known for their flawless sword-fighting technique, which will prove valuable in situations of direct combat with Taliban insurgents.
In response to the mission’s crippling shortage of combat weaponry, particularly assault rifles and grenade launchers, Pan also announced a generous donation of 16 tonnes of fairy dust for ISAF’s use. The shipment is expected to arrive in Afghanistan as early as next week.
The main concern faced by the Boys is the potential shortfall of happy thoughts – a necessary precondition for their flight capabilities – in a foreboding, inhospitable conflict zone such as Kandahar.
“I dunno what I’d do if I couldn’t think of a happy thought,” commented Tootles, one mid-ranking Lost Boy who attended yesterday’s press conference. “But Peter gave us each some extra fairy dust just in case there’s trouble…yikes!”
The Boys will be easily identified amongst the international forces already deployed in the region in their gay little uniforms of short-sleeved green tunics, leggings, and caps with feathers in them.