Sudanese president charged for shoplifting, genocide

Marks first shoplifting charge by global court against a sitting head of state

 

By Mondo Fernando, Staff Reporter

 

President al-Bashir

THE HAGUE – The International Criminal Court filed two charges against Monday against Sudanese President Omar al-Bashir, accusing him of shoplifting a chocolate bar and a pack of gum from a small store located near the Republican Palace in Khartoum.

 

“We take shoplifting very seriously at the ICC,” Chief prosecutor Luis Moreno-Ocampo said in a statement after submitting his case to the judges.

 

“The international community has turned a blind eye towards Sudan long enough. We don’t need to wait until hundreds of snacks are stolen,” he told The Associated Press.

 

“Chocolates, gum, and other candies are at grave risk.”

 

But Al-Bashir’s ruling National Congress Party on Sunday warned of “more shoplifting to come” in Sudan if an arrest warrant is issued against the president, state TV reported.

 

In a subsequent ruling, al-Bashir was also charged with masterminding an effort to wipe out some 2.5 million people in Darfur with a campaign of murder, rape and deportation.

 

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Educated women have the best sex, better orgasms

Smart chicks found to have insatiable appetites to get their freak on

 

By Sam Hagan, Staff Reporter

 

Few think “orgasmic” when they look at a geeky graduate student wearing thick glasses and a baggy, tucked-in t-shirt. Yet a new study reports that university and graduate students often top the list of the lustfully libidinous, with many thesis-writing, library-going women expressing a rock-and-roll sexual appetite.

 

The study was funded by the National Women’s Health Institute, with the research conducted by the gentlemen at Texas State University’s Theta Sigma Chi between April 2007 and April 2008.

 

Women with basic reading skills are almost twice as likely to have an orgasm during sex as their illiterate counterparts, and a woman who can count to ten is much more likely to have that many orgasms, or so they would have us believe.

 

High school drop-outs were found to have sexual relations relatively frequently, but their enjoyment levels were comparatively low since a statistical majority of them were too stoned to enjoy sex, and living in their parents’ basements with their struggling musician boyfriends.

 

Among the study’s more alarming findings was that freshmen TSU girls are not as easy as their slutty little outfits would have us believe, a truth that runs contrary to all natural intuition and logic.

 

According to the report, “Women reaching for the highest degrees – in law, the medical sciences, or those pursuing a doctorate – have insatiable appetites to get their freak on, and enjoy smutty, porn-star-like, rotating-bed-with-leopard-pattern-sheets sex all night long.”

 

(To be sure, anyone who has set foot in a graduate residence or gone to a campus book reading will find this extremely difficult to believe.)

 

While some women, especially those studying divorce law or, say, diseases of the reproductive system, feel anything but sexy while buried under books at the library, many are glowing from their smug sense of intellectual superiority, and can’t control their lust for sexual indulgence and experimentation.

 

“Ever since I got my Masters degree, riding in the back of the bus has taken on a whole new level of excitement for me,” said Amy Lisgar (pictured right, centre), a recent graduate of TSU’s Lamar School of Technology.

 

Another young woman told the “researchers” of T.S. Chi that since the day she successfully defended her thesis, she has had an orgasm every time a heavy truck rolls past her apartment.

 

While these findings have largely been well-received, some have disparaged the academic integrity of the study, questioning the research methods employed by the misogynist, beer-pong-playing jocks of Theta Sigma Chi.

 

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Sour Grapes for Dummies — Summer wine tips for the rest of us

You don’t have to be a blue-blooded winologist to appreciate a good grape juice. This summer, ignore those wine snobs, and just go for some yummy and cheap plonk. The Pundit offers some tips for the average Joe in plain English.

 

If you are looking for a summer rouge that is both opulent and genuine, the romantic Viognier is an obedient wine with a contrapuntal harmony and a smooth eggy bouquet with low tanninosity.

 

If you like ze German Geschmack, Gewürztraminers are vigorously fragrant, fruit-forward, and accentuated with pungent zesty after-Schmackhaftigkeit. The bold saccharine overtones with a mélange of an elusive je ne sais quois tickle the taste buds like a million fireflies fluttering in the night. The Vinoptima Ormond Gewurztraminer (2004) is an aromatic New Zealand wine which, at the low price of $85.95, is perfect for an average Tuesday night dinner.

 

The Maison de Brunelle Pignon de Nouillé (2003), at the bargain basement price of only $89.90, balances a penetrating bon gôut with a nuanced bouquet not for the olfactorialy undiscriminating.

 

The little whites of Chablis are also très mode this summer. These playful wines offer a buoyant luminosity like a springbok soaring sylphlike over the Serengeti Savannah. An effervescent Asti can also satiate the Self on hot dry day.

 

For an evening with friends, a Tuscan Malvasia is singularly spicy with jaw-gnawing acidity reminiscent of guacamole. This invigorating variety, often blended with Fiano or Falaghina, brings an oily texture with restorative yumminess and palate-pleasing ego-transubstantiation.

 

The Chilean Toro Blanco del Castillo Paco Cabernet-Merlot (2007) is an energetic blend which offers a voluptuous array of earthy herbs and robust pith. This spicy wine spreads its legs throughout the tongue like a high-class whore, bleeding oaky flavours and mesmerizing the palate with its Andean notes. The bull’s blood aftertaste is the sine qua non of this original blend, giving this proprietary-labeled wine a unique complexity.

 

The pinot gris is a shy wine known for its versatility and fragility. It metaphorically recreates the felicitous enchantment of a summer breeze, and, unlike its more sober sisters Riesling and Muscat, this pinot exudes pétillant capriciousness.

 

If you’re looking for a self-actualizing wine that will elevate you to epistemic heights, why not consider a Sequoia Ridge Zinfandel (2006) from Napa Valley? This wine will nullify your nihilism with intriguing jammy, gardenia-esque bouquet and pronounced overtones of tunafish and just a hint of gorgonzola.

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FOX launches new TV Game show: “Are You Smarter than a Retard?”

By Sydney Hedley, Entertainment Editor

NEW YORK – How tough could this be? That’s what Fox reality show guru Mike Darnell thought when he first heard of the concept for a game show called “Are You Smarter than a Retard?”

 

But less than eight weeks after the idea was born, “Are You Smarter than a Retard?” premiered last week drawing a record 23 million viewers.

 

The breakaway new show promises to humiliate countless contestants with normal intelligence and make retards across the country feel smug.

 

Each episode pits a cast of mentally handicapped dummies, schizophrenics and mongoloids against regular adults trying to answer appallingly simple questions for big money.

 

Contestants try to answer skill-testing questions such as “Which way is up?” and “What color is an orange?” while real retards stand by to offer help. The results are frightening yet hilarious: During the premiere show, retards guffawed heartily from the sidelines as the contestant was unable to identify where on her body her head was located.

 

“The show is based on the shameful reality that in many cases the average Joe does not possess even the most basic knowledge of the world around them,” Darnell said speaking before journalists.

 

“Sad as this truth may be, it makes for a highly entertaining battle of dimwits.”

 

Contestants are allowed, at times, to “cheat” and sneak a peak in a dictionary which is provided for them. However, this option is often of limited value since many of the contestants don’t remember the order of the letters of the alphabet.

 

On last night’s show, contestant Dan Stillman was stumped on the question “What number comes after 2?” His inability to provide the correct answer cost him $50,000. Asked his reaction to the humiliating defeat, Stillman grumbled, “What do I look like, a rocket scientist?”

 

The show is expected to be very popular among Europeans given their well-known love for making fun of Americans.

Contestant: Occupation: Retard: Question: Contestant testimony:	Jason Clem, 31 Waiter at Elway’s Restaurant Leonard King, 92-year-old with dementia and paranoid schitzophrenia Which way is up? “This question really stumped me. When I first heard it, I knew this would blow my chances to win big. I decided to check the dictionary, but I ran out of time before finding where “u” was.”
Contestant: Occupation: Retard: Question: Contestant testimony:	Julie Krantz, 45 Stay-at-home mother of three, with a diploma in accounting from DeVry Alex Edison, Village Idiot What country are you in? “It seemed like a simple question, but you second-guess yourself…I was nervous and I panicked. I had never been on a TV show before, I was in the spotlight, it was really a struggle.”

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Canadian Foreign Minister resigns after getting “Punk’d”

Hilarious video prank covered up by government in effort to be less exiting

 

By Mondo Fernando, Staff Reporter

 

OTTAWA – Maxime Bernier was forced to resign as foreign affairs minister after being Punk’d.

 

Bernier was allegedly the victim of an elaborate prank which was set to feature on the hit MTV series “Punk’d,” a candid camera-style program produced by Ashton Kutcher.

 

Not wanting to seem as dim-witted as the average Punk’d victim – typically a Hollywood celebrity – Bernier pronounced that the reason for his resignation was because he left classified documents at the apartment of his former girlfriend, Julie Couillard.

 

Embarrassing and stupid as that would have been, the truth is much worse.

 

Late on Sunday, May 25, Kutcher’s camera crew snuck into Bernier’s house and caught him on tape stumbling home drunk with two Romanian prostitutes. Mistaking the camera crew for burglars, the well-dressed Foreign Minister screamed like a girl and ran down the street, abandoning the hookers on the scene.

 

Several hours later, the Prime Minister’s Office was notified of the incriminating footage, and a deal was brokered in which Kutcher agreed not to air the video.

 

At 3:21 on Monday morning, a furious Prime Minister Harper placed a call to Bernier forcing him to announce his resignation.

 

Despite madly circulating rumors of the prank, Mr. Harper and his government continue to routinely brush off questions about any video footage, accusing the Opposition of making up lies to embarrass the former cabinet minister.

 

“Mr. Bernier was not Punk’d,” he said, in an effort to tone-down public interest. “This was an unfortunate error involving documents and other serious, unexciting government stuff.”

 

Opposition MPs ramped up demands to see the footage Tuesday, calling for the PMO to make the video publicly available.

 

“Canadians have a right to see that footage,” Liberal foreign affairs critic Bob Rae charged Tuesday in the House of Commons, where the Bernier affair dominated Question Period.

 

“Is it true he ran off like a little sissy girl? Canadians deserve to know!”

 

Asked if he could confirm rumors that there was footage of Bernier drunk with hookers, Kutcher commented thoughtfully, “I don’t follow Canadian politics much, but that guy’s a huge douchebag. Canada is better off without him.”

 

Although there has been no public confirmation of the Punk’d scandal, some eyewitnesses reported overhearing Bernier mutter, “That sonofabitch Kutcher will pay for this. Nobody Punks Max and gets away with it.”

 

 

: P

 

Woman’s ego in critical condition after embarrassing gaydar malfunction

“Gays should be more responsible and display their gayness more clearly”: Mayor

 

By Sam Hagan, Staff Reporter

 

CHICAGO – A woman’s ego is in critical condition after she threw herself at a bar patron who prefers the company of men.

 

The spectacular mixup was caused by a circumstantial malfunction in Aimee Lyndon’s gaydar, rendering her unable to make even the most obvious distinction between a lisping, boa-wearing Queen and a beer-drinking, football-playing Republican.

 

The gaydar failure blinded Lyndon to the fact that the object of her slutty advances was a flaming homo, even though eyewitnesses report that moments before the incident he was dancing to Kylie Minogue in a conga line sandwiched between two shirtless men at a bar called Manhandler in Chicago’s famed Boystown district.

 

Immediately after the incident, 25-year-old Aimee Lyndon’s shattered ego was rushed to a girlfriend’s house where it was nurtured back to health with some red wine and a Jack Johnson album.

 

Although Lyndon was clearly a victim of a crucial breakdown in her gay-detecting apparatus, similar cases have been on the rise as men in bars increasingly fail to act in a stereotypically gay fashion.

 

At the same time, gays nationwide are reporting an alarming rise in incidents of sexual disorientation with more and more men guilty of metrosexuality – a term describing men who wear alligator-skin shoes and shop at Bed, Bath and Beyond and yet, somehow, don’t enjoy anal sex with men.

 

In a public statement on the issue, Chicago Mayor Richard Daley called upon gays to act more stereotypically to combat confusion and embarrassment.

 

“Gays should be more responsible and display their gayness more clearly,” he said. “Many of this city’s embarrassing incidents could be avoided with a few wigs, plastic rainbow jewelry, and skintight pink shirts.”

 

Mayor Daley also called for a tighter crackdown on metrosexuality, threatening to introduce a by-law against well-dressed, coiffed, and shopaholic straight men guilty of deception and “unmanly-manliness.”

 

 

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Seven-month-old baby posted for auction on EBay

Public outraged at low asking price

 

By Beth Johnson, International Correspondent

 

BERLIN – Authorities in Berlin have taken custody of a seven-month-old boy after his parents posted an ad on EBay offering to sell him for one euro (US$1.57).

 

Police spokesman Peter Hieber says the baby was placed in the care of EBay Care Services, a branch of the corporation that looks after unwanted people and animals.

 

EBay’s Rules and Regulations clearly stipulate that for children under one year old, the bidding must start at a minimum of 2.5 Euros.

 

“This is an outrageous case of poor parenting and poor judgment,” commented Hieber. “That baby was worth at least 3 Euros.”

 

Hieber said today that the mother told police the Internet ad was only a joke. Legal experts doubt that this excuse will hold up in court since everyone knows that Germans have no sense of humour.

 

No offers were made for the child in the two hours the ad was posted, as he was clearly still too young to be a productive worker.

 

In many parts of Asia and the Middle East, EBay is commonly used for buying and selling children for work in fields, factories, and sweatshops at very reasonable prices.

 

Hopefully, in time, this trend will make its way to the West.

 

 

: P

“Sex and the City” The Movie: (Groan) Not tonight, honey

Put your thinking caps on (haha, just kidding)

 

By Sidney Hedley, Entertainment Editor

 

NEW YORK – Will Carrie and Mr. Big finally get married? That is the big question “Sex and the City” fans hope is answered when the long-awaited film hits theatres this week.

 

For the rest of us, the big question is: “Do we really have to sit through more of this?”

 

Four years after the series ended, Carrie, Samantha, Charlotte and Miranda are back to dazzle fans with more mindless banter, insipid gossip, pretty clothes, and obsessive dating in a full-length feature film.

 

“Fans can expect the joy and the whimsy and the clothes and the cocktails and the salty language,” said actress Sarah Jessica Parker, who plays Carrie and also produced the movie and TV series.

 

“We really fought hard to resist any intelligent content beyond the vapid drivel that sustained the show for six seasons,” she said.

 

Based on Candace Bushnell’s columns in the New York Observer, the TV series won eight Golden Globes and seven Emmys, despite setting the women’s liberation movement back decades.

 

Speaking about the central role played by fashion in the movie, Parker said that all of her character’s clothes blah blah blah, and something something something about shoes or purses.

 

Despite the success of the TV series, Parker said it was still a struggle to get the movie made. (A movie about 40-year-old women having sex? Really?)

 

There was also the problem of signing up all the stars, since some of them had gone through divorces, grown old and haggard, become lesbians, and so on.

 

And while early reviews of the film have been mixed, critics expect it to still be a hit.

 

“We are confident that devoted fans will love it,” said writer and director Michael Patrick King in an interview with the Pundit.

 

“Don’t put this in your article, but most of the plot is recycled ideas from the show. We even used some of the lines word-for-word.”

 

Oops.

 

 

: P

 

Bean-filled tortilla key issue in immigration dispute

Americans struggle to reconcile love for burritos with hatred for Mexicans

 

By Mondo Fernando, Staff Reporter

 

EL PASO – With immigration expected to be a key issue in the 2008 election, debates over deportation of illegal immigrants from Mexico have intensified in recent months.

 

Federal investigators have been cracking down on restaurants in southern states that hire illegal aliens.

 

“It’s a big a dilemma,” said Detective John M. DiPietro in an interview. “We hate dirty Mexicans, but we can’t get enough of their delicious burritos.

 

On Tuesday, two men and two women were arrested at Pepito’s Mexican Restaurant in Miami for working without permits.

 

“This is an outrage!” shouted protestors outside the jail where they were being held. “Pepito’s makes America’s Best Burritos! We will starve without them!”

 

Similar protests have flared up in cities across southern states surrounding this issue.

 

“We are really struggling to reconcile the supply of burritos that Americans depend on with effective border security,” DiPietro said.

 

The issue is particularly sensitive in Texas, where it is common practice to eat the bean- or beef-filled wraps not just at every meal, but several times a day in between meals as well.

 

With white Americans completely incapable of making a decent burrito, this issue is expected to remain at the heart of future immigration debates.

 

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