TSO player report: Quinn replaces McDaniel, Harris injured

By Sydney Hedley, Sports Reporter

 

TORONTO  — A day after switching first violinists, the Toronto Symphony Orchestra stayed in shake-up mode and released trombonist Dustin McDaniel, a starter the previous two seasons but hampered by embouchure injuries this year. 2007 first round pick Mick Quinn will take his spot for this season.

 

Jason Harris was injured (while giving 110%) in the first quarter of the performance of Beethoven’s Ninth on Sunday. The injury is believed to be a cut lip, which last year sidelined the bassoonist for the rest of the season. Harris, one of the TSO’s top reed players, won’t be able to do any significant musical activity for at least a week and will not play in Sunday’s Brandenburg Concertos.

 

Hank Starter has been promoted to first oboe. Starter is a straight-ahead performer but can angle his approach to the end section, zigzagging through each movement. He plays high and swift like his childhood idol Eric Dickerson, another TSO oboist. In 2007 his speed and agility ranked him fourth-best in the woodwind section.

 

Meanwhile, flutist Julian Peart has already been bothered this season by a sore thumb, yet he ranks second in rushing through tough melodic stretches. The second-year pro is already one of the orchestra’s more exciting players. But once he darts past the first movement, he becomes one of the more feared. We already know the 5-foot-6, 180-pounder can play a solo. He is also fast. He can match speeds normally reserved for flutists 40 pounds lighter. Think of a more experienced flute rookie David Johnson. Last season during the first half of a Saint-Seans concerto, Peart rushed through 43 measures to set the TSO single-concert rushing record of 296 bpm.

 

Nine-year veteran Claude Anderson has kept his cello job for now, and harpist Roscoe Jonah will miss four to six weeks after having surgery to repair ligament damage in his middle finger.

 

Dick Evans, who starred at percussion during the TSO’s glory years in the late 1980s and early 1990s, has died. He was 72.

 

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Obnoxious man attacked on bus after pissing everyone off

Grateful passengers applaud attacker’s heroic act

THUNDER BAY – If you’ve ever had to travel by bus, chances are you’ve been tempted to physically attack one of your fellow passengers.

 

Indeed, it was to everyone’s grateful relief when Blake Fowler, a Thunder Bay born construction worker, attacked a 40-year-old fellow passenger on a Greyhound bus en route to Hamilton on the weekend.

 

According to eyewitness, the victim of the attack was an obnoxious jerk who was talking loudly on his cellphone and listening to his iPod at high volume while emitting an unpleasant stench.

 

Eyewitnesses looked gratefully on as Fowler beat the shit out of the passenger. After the victim was unconscious, the passengers began to applaud.

 

One passenger who was trying to nap said that just as her anger towards the obnoxious man was growing into a trembling rage, she heard a commotion behind her and saw that the obnoxious man was bleeding.

 

“If he hadn’t attacked the guy, I would have,” she said.

 

Police say the victim was hospitalized, but regrettably with non-life threatening injuries.

 

Annoyed passengers are demanding to know why such a foul-smelling passenger was allowed on the bus in the first place.

 

Rather than charging him with aggravated assault, police awarded Fowler a medal in appreciation for relieving bus passengers from bad rock music, one side of a phone conversation, and foul body odour.

 

Statistics show that bus attacks have been on the rise in recent years, owing to their effectiveness as a strategy for shutting up people who are disturbing other passengers on long terrestrial voyages.

 

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Google Satellite reveals you have an ugly roof

Roof-painting trend has neighbourhoods looking more colourful, gay

 

By Mondo Fernando, Staff Reporter 

 

In 2006 the introduction of Google Satellite made people in suburban neighbourhoods everywhere discover that the roofs on their houses all looked exactly the same.

 

Just imagine their shock.

 

In the past two years, the market for roof décor has experienced a surge in popularity as homeowners are becoming increasingly aware of how ugly their roofs are.

 

Peggy Schmidt, a nationally recognized Roof Style Consultant whose work has recently appeared in Elle Décor and Metropolitan Home, attributes the rise in popularity to Google Satellite – a free online service that allows everyone with an internet connection to obtain detailed satellite imagery of everyone else’s ugly roof.

“Because of the Google Satellite, homeowners are suddenly very self-conscious about their ugly roofs,” says Schmidt. “The days of roof when you could ignore your roof are over.”

Designers and architects are also encouraging the market’s increased popularity.  

“People are looking to use bold colors and dramatic patterns that will be visible from space,” says award-winning architect Isaac Simmons.

“The result is extremely gay looking neighbourhoods.”

 

Major designers such as Martha Stewart have embraced the new trend by introducing special roof paint.

 

“It’s an exploding market,” said Mark Greenly of Martha Stewart Canada. “Our most popular colours are pastels which add to the gayness of the trend.”

 

Experts say the boom in the roof décor industry has been the most important result of satellite technology, second only to the telecommunications revolution and government spying.

 

 

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Local jerk refuses to pay what he can

Ruins it for rest of us

 

BROOKVALE, New Brunswick – Local jerk Shawn Bowry lived up to his title last night when he refused to make a contribution upon entrance to the Brookvale Donkey Show, a pay-what-you-can event.

 

According to eyewitnesses, Bowry walked by the collection box without depositing any money at all, despite a sign that clearly read “Donations Welcome – Pay What You Can.”

 

Stunned onlookers stood by as Bowry went on to enjoy the show, an annual event during which donkeys do small tricks and give rides to children.

 

The act of defiance in broad daylight shocked passers-by at this usually problem-free event. A mother of two, who was taking her children to show, gasped in disgust and made her children look away.

 

Borwy is male, Caucasian, about 175 centimetres tall and in his mid-20s. He was wearing a black hooded jacket and dark sunglasses.

 

Authorities have warned community members against permitting the local jerk from attending more events that invoke the honour system, lest it be ruined for the rest of us.

 

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Marxist-Leninist Party of Canada vows to abolish elections

Party lays out campaign platform for October 14 federal revolutionary struggle

 

By Sam Hagan, Staff Reporter

 

OTTAWA – The Marxist-Leninist Party of Canada (MLPC) has vowed to relieve the country of expensive and burdensome elections, Party leader Anna Di Carlo announced earlier today.

 

The pledge came in week two of the federal election, and shortly after polls revealed the party’s supporters to be in the single digits.

 

Di Carlo said her government would dedicate $5.25 billion a year to re-education through labour camps, and $3.2 billion in new spending on the creation of a government-controlled media machine that would replace the current imperialist system.

 

As part of the party’s economic plan, MLPC leader vowed to abolish private land ownership and distribute it among Canada’s peasants. Canadians will be freed from the chains of oppression and assigned to manual farm labour and work in ammunition factories.

 

She also promised to bring an end to the tyranny of globalization.

 

“Comrades! Our party will close its borders to trade and bring an end to the Internet!” she announced.

 

Reacting to the bold campaign promises, Liberal Party Leader Stephane Dion described the party as “clearly pandering to working families.”

 

Recent polling indicates that the MLPC is trailing behind the Canadian Sex Party and the Saskatchewan Independence Party, but is ahead of the Animal Alliance Party by one vote.

 

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Retailers prepare for ridiculously early kickoff to holiday shopping season

Only 100 shopping days left to pressure shoppers into compulsive spending

 

By Sydney Hedley, Staff Reporter

 

TORONTO – With the days getting shorter and the temperatures dipping into the mid-teens, Canadians everywhere are turning their thoughts to the holiday season.

 

With Christmas only 100 days away, many retailers have already begun aggressive holiday season marketing to kickoff to the holiday shopping season.

 

This year, consumers can expect to hear fucking annoying Christmas songs playing in department stores as early as late September.

 

In a press release issued Monday, the Canadian Business Association said its goal is to “sustain the excitement and stress” of the holiday shopping season for as long as possible.

 

“Our hope is to eventually extend the holiday shopping season to a year-round marketing blitz so that sales remain at constant high levels,” said CBA’s Naomi Barklay.

 

“I don’t know why we didn’t think of this before.”

 

Asked how consumers can more effectively be pressured into compulsive spending, William Sheen of Wal-mart Canada said, “If we can keep the holiday hysteria going for as long as possible, we can expect unprecedented profits.

 

“Our vision is for people to quite literally shop till they drop,” he added.

 

On the whole, consumers are pleased with the trend.

 

“I often end up buying gifts for myself while I’m doing my holiday shopping, and now I can get a head start,” said one West Edmonton Mall shopper.

 

In a corresponding trend, many cities are moving their Santa Clause Parades to earlier and earlier dates. Regina’s parade will take place on October 5, while Saskatoon held its parade late last week.

 

Santa Clause himself was unavailable for comment on the increasing demands on his schedule, leading some to speculate that he does not exist.

 

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Gas replaces coins, bills as new currency

Dawn of “gas standard” era declared

By Mondo Fernando, Staff Reporter

 

NEW YORK – After six years of steady decline of the value of U.S. dollar, the Federal Reserve announced yesterday its adoption of a new legal tender. Effective January 1, 2009, gasoline will substitute all paper bills and coins as the new national currency.

 

The announcement comes after many years of the price of oil has enjoyed a phenomenal rise against a continually falling greenback, and is predicated on the widely-held forecast that the price of oil will continue to rise for ever and ever and ever.

 

With the ever higher price of gasoline, many Americans are beginning to change their habits – buying smaller cars and flying less frequently.

 

The measure was adopted as part of an effort to combat this brazen affront to the American way of life.

 

Officials battled for years with the problem of moral hazard – as well as fire hazard – in introducing a highly explosive liquid into the hands of millions for day-to-day transactions.

 

However, as Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson notes, “What could possibly go wrong?”

 

The so-called “gas standard” is expected to reign in an era of economic stability and growth, as well as a handful of new wars in the Middle East.

 

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Extreme weather continues unabated in California

Helpless citizens scramble in mass exodus to the out-of-doors

 

By Beth Johnson, Staff Reporter

 

LOS ANGELES — Sunny skies and high temperatures continue to strengthen, forcing hundreds of thousands of Californians to go outside and enjoy the outdoors.

 

All of Los Angeles and the surrounding region will be inundated with pleasant, comfortable temperatures and blue, cloudless skies during the month of September, according to the National Weather Crisis Center.

 

The sunshine began earlier this year, and is expected to continue for the remainder of 2008.

 

The unrelenting sunny weather is causing widespread evacuation, with waves of home-owners fleeing the indoors in search of parks, beaches, and patios.

 

The uninterrupted sunshine, which Californians have witnessed almost every day this year, is expected to swathe the state with warmth and light, and is even expected to pour over onto neighbouring Nevada and Arizona.

 

The extreme sunshine led California governor Arnold Schwarzenegger to issue an urgent appeal.

 

“My message to Californians in the projected impact area is this – wear sunblock, because over-exposure to the sun can cause freckles, tans – even burning.”

 

Evacuations in Los Angeles’ most sun-prone areas – home to about four million residents – are already underway.

 

California Lieutenant Governor John Garamendi told the Pundit Thursday that a mass mobilization was well underway.

 

“Buses are packed, traffic is deadlocked, and flights are delayed as helpless Californians scramble to find ways to deal with this extremely pleasant weather,” he said.

 

“Everyone is desperate to find a place to sit outdoors, a spot on the beach, a vacant camp site, or a sailboat to rent.”

 

City officials planned to re-route highway traffic and said fuelling stations would be placed on major roads to facilitate the outdoor exodus.

 

Forecasters said the sunny weather, which has left more than 400,000 people with glowing tans across the state, threatens to continue unabated into October and November.

 

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Harper vows to pull out of Afghanistan eventually

Voters shocked by bold announcement

 

By Sam Hagan, Staff Reporter

 

EDMONTON – Prime Minister Stephen Harper announced on Wednesday that his government plans to pull all troops out of Afghanistan eventually.

 

Coming in the heat of an election campaign, the announcement marks the boldest statement thus far on a major foreign policy issue announced by the Conservatives so far in this election.

 

“I don’t want to say we will pull out by a certain year, but I can say with certainty that the mission will end at some point,” Harper said during a federal election campaign stop in Edmonton.

 

“Our goal has to be to see some kind of progress, down the road, for improvement to happen in the future,” he said. “And with that timeframe in mind, we will plan for a complete withdraw,” he added.

 

The statement was clear indication that the Conservatives have no idea what to do about the troubled mission.

 

Candidates from other parties were quick to reply to the Conservative position.

 

“We’ve lost 97 Canadian soldiers already,” said New Democrat Party leader Jack Layton. “Eventually is not soon enough.”

 

Asked his when party’s believes an Afghanistan withdraw should take place, Layton replied, “Soon.”

 

Liberal leader Stephane Dion questioned the “eventually” deadline, stating forcefully before a press conference that the withdrawal needs to be “A little later.”

 

Some supporters have expressed surprise by Harper’s bold promise, but many believe that “eventually” is far enough down the road to have partially achieved some of the nebulous goals of the mission.

 

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Study shows kangaroo alcoholism on the rise

By Mondo Fernando, Staff Reporter

 

MELBOURNE – A new study released from the Australian Substance Abuse and Mental Health Administration says kangaroos are drinking more heavily and more frequently than ever before.

 

The report surveyed thousands of kangaroos from Australia’s savannahs, prairies, and grasslands from January to June 2008. A staggering 72 percent said they’ve spent a night in the drunk-tank during in the last five years.

 

“Having drunken kangaroos hopping around the countryside is not only a public safety hazard, but also harmful to our tourism industry,” Carolyn Beaton of the Australian Wildlife Authority said, referring to a recent case where a kangaroo violently attacked a tourist while on safari.

 

With the Australian Federal Police imposing stricter penalties on bars that serve the fuzzy jumpers, many of the nation’s estimated 7500 alcoholic kangaroos are turning to other animals for alcohol.

 

Asked about the source of alcohol, 40 percent they got it from wombats or koalas, which aren’t subject to the same prohibition laws. About one in ten said they got it from a crocodile, one in 16 got it from a fellow kangaroo disguised as a human.

 

Roughly 4 percent admitted to brewing moonshine in their pouches.

 

“In far too many instances other animals directly enable kangaroos’ drinking – in essence encouraging them to risk their health and well-being,” said acting Surgeon General Steven K. Galson.

 

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