Canadian Foreign Minister resigns after getting “Punk’d”

Hilarious video prank covered up by government in effort to be less exiting

 

By Mondo Fernando, Staff Reporter

 

OTTAWA – Maxime Bernier was forced to resign as foreign affairs minister after being Punk’d.

 

Bernier was allegedly the victim of an elaborate prank which was set to feature on the hit MTV series “Punk’d,” a candid camera-style program produced by Ashton Kutcher.

 

Not wanting to seem as dim-witted as the average Punk’d victim – typically a Hollywood celebrity – Bernier pronounced that the reason for his resignation was because he left classified documents at the apartment of his former girlfriend, Julie Couillard.

 

Embarrassing and stupid as that would have been, the truth is much worse.

 

Late on Sunday, May 25, Kutcher’s camera crew snuck into Bernier’s house and caught him on tape stumbling home drunk with two Romanian prostitutes. Mistaking the camera crew for burglars, the well-dressed Foreign Minister screamed like a girl and ran down the street, abandoning the hookers on the scene.

 

Several hours later, the Prime Minister’s Office was notified of the incriminating footage, and a deal was brokered in which Kutcher agreed not to air the video.

 

At 3:21 on Monday morning, a furious Prime Minister Harper placed a call to Bernier forcing him to announce his resignation.

 

Despite madly circulating rumors of the prank, Mr. Harper and his government continue to routinely brush off questions about any video footage, accusing the Opposition of making up lies to embarrass the former cabinet minister.

 

“Mr. Bernier was not Punk’d,” he said, in an effort to tone-down public interest. “This was an unfortunate error involving documents and other serious, unexciting government stuff.”

 

Opposition MPs ramped up demands to see the footage Tuesday, calling for the PMO to make the video publicly available.

 

“Canadians have a right to see that footage,” Liberal foreign affairs critic Bob Rae charged Tuesday in the House of Commons, where the Bernier affair dominated Question Period.

 

“Is it true he ran off like a little sissy girl? Canadians deserve to know!”

 

Asked if he could confirm rumors that there was footage of Bernier drunk with hookers, Kutcher commented thoughtfully, “I don’t follow Canadian politics much, but that guy’s a huge douchebag. Canada is better off without him.”

 

Although there has been no public confirmation of the Punk’d scandal, some eyewitnesses reported overhearing Bernier mutter, “That sonofabitch Kutcher will pay for this. Nobody Punks Max and gets away with it.”

 

 

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Woman’s ego in critical condition after embarrassing gaydar malfunction

“Gays should be more responsible and display their gayness more clearly”: Mayor

 

By Sam Hagan, Staff Reporter

 

CHICAGO – A woman’s ego is in critical condition after she threw herself at a bar patron who prefers the company of men.

 

The spectacular mixup was caused by a circumstantial malfunction in Aimee Lyndon’s gaydar, rendering her unable to make even the most obvious distinction between a lisping, boa-wearing Queen and a beer-drinking, football-playing Republican.

 

The gaydar failure blinded Lyndon to the fact that the object of her slutty advances was a flaming homo, even though eyewitnesses report that moments before the incident he was dancing to Kylie Minogue in a conga line sandwiched between two shirtless men at a bar called Manhandler in Chicago’s famed Boystown district.

 

Immediately after the incident, 25-year-old Aimee Lyndon’s shattered ego was rushed to a girlfriend’s house where it was nurtured back to health with some red wine and a Jack Johnson album.

 

Although Lyndon was clearly a victim of a crucial breakdown in her gay-detecting apparatus, similar cases have been on the rise as men in bars increasingly fail to act in a stereotypically gay fashion.

 

At the same time, gays nationwide are reporting an alarming rise in incidents of sexual disorientation with more and more men guilty of metrosexuality – a term describing men who wear alligator-skin shoes and shop at Bed, Bath and Beyond and yet, somehow, don’t enjoy anal sex with men.

 

In a public statement on the issue, Chicago Mayor Richard Daley called upon gays to act more stereotypically to combat confusion and embarrassment.

 

“Gays should be more responsible and display their gayness more clearly,” he said. “Many of this city’s embarrassing incidents could be avoided with a few wigs, plastic rainbow jewelry, and skintight pink shirts.”

 

Mayor Daley also called for a tighter crackdown on metrosexuality, threatening to introduce a by-law against well-dressed, coiffed, and shopaholic straight men guilty of deception and “unmanly-manliness.”

 

 

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Seven-month-old baby posted for auction on EBay

Public outraged at low asking price

 

By Beth Johnson, International Correspondent

 

BERLIN – Authorities in Berlin have taken custody of a seven-month-old boy after his parents posted an ad on EBay offering to sell him for one euro (US$1.57).

 

Police spokesman Peter Hieber says the baby was placed in the care of EBay Care Services, a branch of the corporation that looks after unwanted people and animals.

 

EBay’s Rules and Regulations clearly stipulate that for children under one year old, the bidding must start at a minimum of 2.5 Euros.

 

“This is an outrageous case of poor parenting and poor judgment,” commented Hieber. “That baby was worth at least 3 Euros.”

 

Hieber said today that the mother told police the Internet ad was only a joke. Legal experts doubt that this excuse will hold up in court since everyone knows that Germans have no sense of humour.

 

No offers were made for the child in the two hours the ad was posted, as he was clearly still too young to be a productive worker.

 

In many parts of Asia and the Middle East, EBay is commonly used for buying and selling children for work in fields, factories, and sweatshops at very reasonable prices.

 

Hopefully, in time, this trend will make its way to the West.

 

 

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“Sex and the City” The Movie: (Groan) Not tonight, honey

Put your thinking caps on (haha, just kidding)

 

By Sidney Hedley, Entertainment Editor

 

NEW YORK – Will Carrie and Mr. Big finally get married? That is the big question “Sex and the City” fans hope is answered when the long-awaited film hits theatres this week.

 

For the rest of us, the big question is: “Do we really have to sit through more of this?”

 

Four years after the series ended, Carrie, Samantha, Charlotte and Miranda are back to dazzle fans with more mindless banter, insipid gossip, pretty clothes, and obsessive dating in a full-length feature film.

 

“Fans can expect the joy and the whimsy and the clothes and the cocktails and the salty language,” said actress Sarah Jessica Parker, who plays Carrie and also produced the movie and TV series.

 

“We really fought hard to resist any intelligent content beyond the vapid drivel that sustained the show for six seasons,” she said.

 

Based on Candace Bushnell’s columns in the New York Observer, the TV series won eight Golden Globes and seven Emmys, despite setting the women’s liberation movement back decades.

 

Speaking about the central role played by fashion in the movie, Parker said that all of her character’s clothes blah blah blah, and something something something about shoes or purses.

 

Despite the success of the TV series, Parker said it was still a struggle to get the movie made. (A movie about 40-year-old women having sex? Really?)

 

There was also the problem of signing up all the stars, since some of them had gone through divorces, grown old and haggard, become lesbians, and so on.

 

And while early reviews of the film have been mixed, critics expect it to still be a hit.

 

“We are confident that devoted fans will love it,” said writer and director Michael Patrick King in an interview with the Pundit.

 

“Don’t put this in your article, but most of the plot is recycled ideas from the show. We even used some of the lines word-for-word.”

 

Oops.

 

 

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Bean-filled tortilla key issue in immigration dispute

Americans struggle to reconcile love for burritos with hatred for Mexicans

 

By Mondo Fernando, Staff Reporter

 

EL PASO – With immigration expected to be a key issue in the 2008 election, debates over deportation of illegal immigrants from Mexico have intensified in recent months.

 

Federal investigators have been cracking down on restaurants in southern states that hire illegal aliens.

 

“It’s a big a dilemma,” said Detective John M. DiPietro in an interview. “We hate dirty Mexicans, but we can’t get enough of their delicious burritos.

 

On Tuesday, two men and two women were arrested at Pepito’s Mexican Restaurant in Miami for working without permits.

 

“This is an outrage!” shouted protestors outside the jail where they were being held. “Pepito’s makes America’s Best Burritos! We will starve without them!”

 

Similar protests have flared up in cities across southern states surrounding this issue.

 

“We are really struggling to reconcile the supply of burritos that Americans depend on with effective border security,” DiPietro said.

 

The issue is particularly sensitive in Texas, where it is common practice to eat the bean- or beef-filled wraps not just at every meal, but several times a day in between meals as well.

 

With white Americans completely incapable of making a decent burrito, this issue is expected to remain at the heart of future immigration debates.

 

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Orlando Bloom threatens Pundit with $3M libel lawsuit

Settles for blow job from hot editor

 

By Sam Hagan, Staff Reporter

 

LOS ANGELES – Hollywood heartthrob Orlando Bloom threatened to sue the Pundit for libel on Monday over a story that speculated that the famed actor had had a lobotomy.

 

The threat came amidst a broader trend of celebrities fighting back with lawsuits against tabloids and gossip rags.

 

Bloom’s lawyer drafted the threatening letter which was couriered to the Pundit’s Los Angeles office. The letter accused the online newspaper of damaging Bloom’s reputation by wrongfully suggesting that he was an unintelligent zombie.

 

The article, which was published last month, speculated that Bloom had “undergone a deep frontal cut after demonstrating zombie-like behaviour.”

 

“The Pundit has been my primary source for news reporting for a long time now,” Bloom stated in a press conference. “But a newspaper loses its integrity when it doesn’t get the facts right.”

 

After a private meeting between Pundit attorneys and Bloom’s lawyer, an out-of-court settlement was reached in which Bloom would accept a blow job from one of the newspaper’s attractive editors.

 

While the controversial article also speculated that actress Mary Kate Olsen had undergone a lobotomy, her lawyers declined to take legal action since Olsen actually did have such an operation late last year.

 

See the original article here: http://punditonline.wordpress.com/2008/04/29/tummy-tuck-lip-puck-brain-suck/#more-140

 

 

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Parents association calls for video game ban

Dropping of large geometric blocks clearly glorifies sex and violence among youth

 

By Stephen Mueller, Staff Reporter

 

OAKVILLE – Concerned parents in this quiet bedroom community have called for a province-wide ban on video games following a series of dangerous and sometimes violent incidents over the past month. The call for a video game ban comes on the heels of the release of Tetris, a wildly popular game criticized by some for its gratuitous recklessness.

 

The call for the ban gained urgency after a tragic accident this past weekend that left two people in hospital. A driver and passenger were seriously injured when colourful, concrete tetracubes were dropped on to the highway by an Oakville street gang whose members are obsessed with Tetris.

 

Despite the appalling, violent behaviour that it promotes, Tetris continues to be the hottest video game on the market and is getting rave reviews. Some retailers have even had special hours so fans could buy the games as soon as it came out this past week. And on the online auction site eBay, copies of Tetris are selling for up to $30 above the game’s list price.

“Tetris glorifies violence by allowing gamers to drop geometrical blocks from the sky,” said a spokesperson from the Ontario Provincial Police. “But the game leaves out the consequences of such behaviour, like flattening pedestrians.”

 

The game is rated “M” for “Mature” because of the clear references to blood, violence, nudity, foul language, sexual content, use of drugs and alcohol associated with the dropping of large geometric shapes.

The “M” rating means that the game is only for those who are 17 or older, but enforcement of the rating is only voluntary.

 

While industry specialists argue that Tetris is harmless escapism, the Oakville Parents Association says that by promoting the strategic dropping of large objects, the game epitomizes the glorification of sex and violence that is causing the crumbing of our society’s fringes.

 

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City of Victoria bans thinking about smoking in public

Police to be equipped with mind-reading helmets to enforce new thought-crime bylaw

By Mondo Fernando, Staff Reporter

 

VICTORIA – The City of Victoria announced Monday that it will ban thinking about smoking in public next month.

“We have decided to ban thinking about smoking in public places effective

June 1, 2008,” Mayor Alan Lowe told reporters. Nightclubs and bars will have until October 1, 2008, at the latest, to put measures into place to become completely smoke-thought-free, he said.

 

 

The ban is seen by many as the logical next step after Victoria imposed Canada’s most tight-ass anti-smoking law, banning smoking anywhere in the city in 1999.

 

To enforce the bylaw, Mayor Lowe said the City plans to spend $1.2 million to equip police with state-of-the-art mind-reading helmets. The helmets use magnetic resonance imaging to detect brain chemical activity corresponding to thoughts of cigarettes or smoking.

 

The technology is still imperfect, however.

 

“We’re still working out some glitches in the system,” said Kenny Fenson, Chief of Police. “In about 25 percent of cases, peoples’ thoughts of smoking are subliminal or subconscious. So we will expect some arrests and detentions without suspects being aware of the thought crime they have committed.

 

“On the bright side, we expect this to be no more then a few thousand cases,” he added.

 

The decision was the outcome of efforts by the powerful anti-tobacco lobby, which had achieved all its prohibition goals with bans firmly in place throughout the country. Facing a scenario where their opponents (smokers) had been decidedly defeated, and fearful of losing their jobs, members of the lobby resolved to inflict their pain-in-the-ass do-gooding with this final assault.

 

Fines range from $100 to $500 or a night in jail for a first thought-crime, with repeat offenders facing fines of up to $2000 for cigarette-related thought crimes. The bylaw further requires restaurant and bar owners to put up no-thinking-about-smoking signs.

 

“This is a major victory for the pure of mind,” an anti-tobacco-thought activist commented smugly.

 

“Thinking about smoking in public, particularly around children, is disgusting,” one anti-tobacco-thought activist commented.

 

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Two men arrested in police raid of “Loony Poons” whorehouse

$1 prostitutes offered “bang for your buck”

 

By Sam Hagan, Staff Reporter

EDMONTON – Two men are in jail, charged with running an illegal prostitution business called “Loonie Poons” in Edmonton’s seedy red light district. Jacob Tanto and Jimmy Stillman were arrested late Wednesday night when police raided the well-known whorehouse where services were available for the low price of just one dollar.

 

The whorehouse was extremely popular in the area for its jaw-droppingly low prices.

 

Authorities said they were made aware of the existence of Loonie Poons after the owners began taking out large newspaper advertisements that read “Fuck for a Buck!” and “Rock a bottom at rock bottom prices!!”

 

Once a warrant had been issued, police had little difficulty locating the whorehouse because of the large sandwich board sign on the sidewalk outside that read: “Welcome to Loony Poons! We offer bang for your buck!”

 

“The establishment offered very low-quality services,” lead detective Lieutenant Joseph Hugo remarked. “When we arrived onto the scene, we found that many of the girls were dirty and flea-ridden, and some were just life-sized stuffed dolls. But then again, what do you expect for a dollar?”

 

The raid came as a bitter disappointment to many local residents who grew accustomed to the brothel’s cheap, cheap whores.

 

“We have witnessed double-digit inflation on the cost of hooker services,” local resident Jo Kilroy commented. “Loonie Poons had great deals,” he added, referring to the discount card available to students and seniors where the 10th girl was half price.

 

“That’s the price of a phone call!”

 

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